Sunday, March 27, 2011

Hammer Time

It all started this morning with a frown and a scowl that reminded me too much of Angie's 'frumpy' look. Tom woke up and for some reason today became the day when he came to the screaming realization that 1) Peter, he have a ladder, 2) Davey, he have a ladder, and 3) Tom-tom, he no have a ladder. For a two-year old, he certainly has a firm grasp on the concept of equal treatment.

Papa had also come to the same realization several months ago and his wise ass bought a ladder for the rather loud third wheel. The problem is - Tommy's father is the undisputed king of procrastination when it comes to anything involving tools. That's right; I was waiting for the moment when Tom would break down into blubbering snot bubbles out of sibling ladder-envy. I'm a betting man, so I had really thought it to be a risk-free long-shot, but this morning only confirmed Angie's nagging nag that sometimes, she's not entirely incorrect. That moment came at 06:34 this morning when Angie was cracking me up by asking if I could cook her an egg.

As any construction guy will tell you, the first thing you need to do is assemble a good crew. I started with the line worker.

Okay, the kid's obviously a moron. I mean, come on - he can't even put his hat on the right way. Still, you gotta admire the boy's loud determination and ear-piercing spunk. You're hired.

Line workers, provided they can actually see, are the backbone of any good business. But line workers wouldn't get any work done without the leadership of a good supervisor.

Okay, the kid's obviously a moron. I mean, come on - he can't even put his goggles on without getting an eyeful of hair. Talk about the blind leading the blind. Still, you gotta admire the boy's grinning determination and shit-eating grin. You're hired.

Then we got to my level - management.

This kid is brilliant! I'm totally convinced that the entire company would crash and burn without such insight, wisdom and can-do attitude. You're hired.

With the right crew, you could build sky scrapers on Mars. It would be a rather stupid thing to do, but that's not really the point. The point is, the team really pulled together and I managed to finish the project in just under two coffees. Right on, right on!

Okay, the kid's still a moron. I mean, come on - he can't even properly deliver a 'thumbs up', despite the fact that the spicy-hot CEO is standing there giving him visual cues.

After successfully completing assembly, the board member responsible for honor and integrity stepped in to demonstrate how to apply very old stickers to newly built ladders. Stickers, I might add, that were part of a childhood collection that Angie stole years ago from her loving and sometimes overly trusting sister. Thanks, Barb - our kids love them!

As it turned out, the line worker was a quick learner.

Soon after discovering the secret world of applying stickers, Tommy also discovered that applying said stickers to his bedroom window tends to anger his mother, while at the same time making his father chuckle uncontrollably while said mother scrapes the window with a razor.

The day ended kind of like it started; only Angie was the one sporting a frown and scowl. As I put the kids to bed, Tom surprised me by acknowledging that 1) Peter, he no have a diaper, 2) Davey, he no have a diaper, and 3) Tom-tom, he do have a diaper.

'That's right, Tommy - does that mean you're now a big boy and ready to stop crapping your pants?'

'No, Papa - I poopy. You change me now!'

For a two-year old, the stinky line worker certainly has a firm grasp on the concept of commands. As part of his grooming for a future management position, I took the liberty of teaching him the art of delegation.

Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: That I play with my roller skates.
David: That I try my bike and you say I so close am.
Tom: When I was Tom the builder with you.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: That Papa screamed 'cause I did something bad.
David: That Peter not give me my stuff.
Tom: You say no more stickers on my ladder.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: Drive roller skates to Arman.
David: Play with Peter and Tommy.
Tom: Play with the animals.

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