Friday, April 29, 2016

Smart, hypothetically

So, I have this hypothetical friend - let's just call him Angelo. He used to take part in testosterone testing for medical research, so he's got enough hair on his chest to choke a Persian cat and he's been known on multiple occasions to make Chuck Norris flinch.

Now Angelo's wife - we'll call her Stephanie - hates cooking and has been known to ditz out from time to time. Today was one of those times, according to Angelo.

It all started a few days ago, when Stephanie's Smart car key's battery died and she needed to use the spare key. Despite being a total bad-ass, Angelo is extremely sensitive to damsels in distress, so he immediately whipped out his cape and ordered a crap-load of Smart car key batteries on Amazon. They arrived yesterday, so Angelo replaced the dead battery and handed over both sets of keys to Stephanie.

'Take both in case you have any problems, but make sure to test both of them.'

'Okay, Angelo. Thanks again, you're the greatest. Can I touch your biceps?'

'Later. You better get going.'

Stephanie confirmed that both keys work and then drove her daughter - we'll call her Tomalina - to gymnastics practice. The sun was shining so when Stephanie got out of the car, she decided to put her coat in the trunk.

I should pause here briefly and explain how a Smart car key works. It has two buttons on it - one is to lock and unlock the doors and the other is to open the trunk.

In Stephanie's defense, I'm sure she was daydreaming about her husband's abs when she got out of the car. She pushed the first button to lock the door. Then she pushed the second button to unlock the trunk. Then she put the key into her coat pocket - the same coat pocket that held the spare key with the new battery that she had just tested. Then she took off her coat and shoved it into the trunk and closed it.

The funny thing about a Smart car key is that when you click on the button to open the trunk, it does not open the car doors. So, if you are ditzy enough to lock your coat with the car key AND the spare key in the trunk AFTER you have locked the door, there is no way to open the car without calling ADAC to have them break into your car.

In a completely unrelated story, here is a picture of my lovely wife picking up Tommy from gymnastics training. Today.

Ladder Talk:  [David spent the night at a friend's house]
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: That I went to Sasbach and had a good time.
Tom: That I had gymnastics.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: That Arman had to leave so early.
Tom: That Mama locked all of the keys in the car and we had to wait so long.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: I want to maybe go to Tommy's school festival.
Tom: I want to have fun at my school festival.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Don't forget your rain pants!

Last summer, I was volunteered to help organize our department outing. I knew from previous experiences that this pretty much meant that I would be donating my sweat and tears for weeks without anything more than a 'Thanks - you did such a great job, you should do this again next year!'.

And that's pretty much what happened until two weeks ago when I was given a ticket to a soccer game at the SAP Arena as a thank you. Normally the company tickets come as a pair, but this time it really was 'a' ticket.

I thanked them politely but explained that if I couldn't take my son, I would rather that they give the ticket to someone else who could use it, which they did. 

I thought nothing more of it until two days ago when I got a text message telling me to come pick up two tickets to the Hoffenheim vs. Hertha BSC game today. 

Both Peter and Tommy have been to the stadium, so I decided to give the extra ticket to one of my other buddies.

As David and I were getting ready to go, Angie pried herself away from Facebook long enough to get her nag on.

'He needs to put on long underwear.'

'Oh, come on, Angie!'

'Well, at least have him put on his rain pants.'

'Rain pants? Why? Most of the stadium is covered.'

'Yeah, well...Ute has season tickets and she's gotten soaked several times.'

'Okay, how about a compromise - we agree to take the rain pants and you don't ask later if we left them in the trunk of the car. Deal?'

We never actually shook on it, but I'm pretty sure that rolling her eyes and walking away from me huffing like the Marlboro Man was her special form of compromising.

It was cloudy and spitting rain the entire drive to the stadium, so I was beginning to worry that this might be the one time a decade when Angie is right. When we parked, I was even tempted to pop the trunk and grab Davey's plastic pants, but I'm a natural born gambler. Besides, most of the stadium is covered, right?

As soon as the game started, the clouds broke and suddenly sun tan lotion would have been a more appropriate and mother-approved nag. Luckily, our seats were covered. 1:0 for Papa.

After ten minutes, David took his coat off, looked up at the sky and sighed.

'Don't forget your rain pants! Ute got soaked!'

Next to mine, it was the funniest mocking of Angie's nag box that I've ever heard.

We cracked up for a full two minutes before taking a selfie to seal the bonding mimicry.

Hoffenheim was not favored to win, so I was pleasantly surprised when they spanked Hertha 2:0. David one-upped me, though, by being more than pleasantly surprised.

No game is complete without devouring something that will later require Rolaids or Pepto-Bismol. Sometimes both.

While we were busy screaming mild obscenities at losing teams, Angie was at her parents with Peter and Tom. This was fine and dandy until David and I got home and realized that someone had stolen my keys and cleverly placed them inside our apartment in an obvious attempt to have it look like I had somehow forgotten my keys. Damn them!

So, yeah - I tried calling Angie about 30 times, but unlike normal humans, she does not use her phone for phone calls. She only uses it to play games but, in her defense, she doesn't like the sounds that Bubble Mania makes, so I was totally understanding of why it would be on silent. Again.

It was actually David's impatient bladder that drove me into action. 

'I need the bathroom.'

'Oh, okay. I think they have one of those at the Pub.'

Something tells my liver that I might be 'losing my keys' more often.

Ladder Talk: 
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: That we went to Bensheim and that Tom and I had a good time.
David: That we were at the soccer game.
Tom: That we was by Grams and Opa.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: That Mom and David and Tom and me got into a fight.
David: The end of the day.
Tom: That David and me wasn't so good to each other.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: I'm gonna have a good day and play Munchkins with the family.
David: Have fun at Heidi's.
Tom: I want to have fun by Heidi.