Happy Blogday to Zoo!

Our family blog is a lot like a child. Both can be a real pain in the ass at times, it often feels like they are sucking the life out of you, and you rarely get a pat on the back for not killing them. In the end, though, the blood, sweat and tears are all worth it. At least I keep telling myself this.

The blog started exactly a year ago. It was shortly after a trip to Ireland with Eisi to claim our Guinness record on getting hammered and to kickoff his European road trip. In Dublin, he explained to me that he had a blog. I told him that I was really sorry and asked if it was contagious. He gave me a look that I know all too well from Angie and then he explained to me using one-syllable words exactly what a blog was. Mmmm....intriguing.

The dealer had not quite hooked me yet and he knew this. To put the nail in the junkie, he asked me to ghost-write one of his blogs, which I titled Shit, ducks and other fun things for kids... I had a lot of fun and subsequently wrote the next two, Day three and we end up in jail and Freaky Freddy and Scary Susie. Need. More. Blog.

Since ghost-writing is what got me into this mess, I am going to try and hook my two readers. In the next couple of days, I will announce a contest, where I will provide several good "flashback" stories that have yet to be written. You know the Zoo, at least from my whacky perspective - you can choose one and write your version. I'll be grading them with a big fat red marker and publish the one with the most color. Stay tuned. Or not.

Since it's the Zoo's birthday, and I am the proud father, I feel the urge to flash a few figures and brag a little. Show me your stats!

Other than last month, which was plagued with David's birthday, my birthday, and a bunch of sick animals, the Zoo has consistently grown. Since last year, we've had over 5,000 visits and have gone from a monthly average of zero readers to 813. We now have a monthly average of 1,800 page views. If you're not asking it, I certainly am - where the hell are all these freaks coming from?

Uh, everywhere. Specifically:

Germany (DE)1,956 United States (US)1,540 United Kingdom (GB)140 Europe (EU)100 Canada (CA)79 Switzerland (CH)68 Australia (AU)31 France (FR)24 Bahrain (BH)23 Italy (IT)22 Czech Republic (CZ)22 India (IN)20 Greece (GR)9 Philippines (PH)9 Bulgaria (BG)9 Bosnia and Herzegovina (BA)8 Spain (ES)8 Singapore (SG)6 Portugal (PT)5 Brazil (BR)5 Netherlands (NL)4 Malaysia (MY)4 Turkey (TR)4 Denmark (DK)4 Russian Federation (RU)3 Sweden (SE)3 Ireland (IE)3 Belgium (BE)3 Thailand (TH)3 Pakistan (PK)3 Poland (PL)3 Romania (RO)3 Lithuania (LT)3 Norway (NO)2 Ukraine (UA)2 Cyprus (CY)2 Korea, Republic of (KR)2 Egypt (EG)2 United Arab Emirates (AE)2 Venezuela (VE)2 New Zealand (NZ)2 South Africa (ZA)2 China (CN)2 Kuwait (KW)2 Sri Lanka (LK)1 Lebanon (LB)1 Netherlands Antilles (AN)1 Kenya (KE)1 Indonesia (ID)1 Albania (AL)1 Serbia (RS)1 Cook Islands (CK)1 Puerto Rico (PR)1 Dominican Republic (DO)1 Mexico (MX)1 Croatia (HR)1 Israel (IL)1 Iraq (IQ)1 Hungary (HU)1 Taiwan (TW)1 Morocco (MA)1 Slovenia (SI)1

Ok, I must admit, I have never heard of some of those countries. Thanks for reading, though.

As long as I am bragging, I can also point out that in April, The Johnson's Zoo placed 3rd out of 1,600 blogs in the family category of humor-blogs.com. The Toilet Roll, the Zoo's sister blog, placed 1st in the cartoon category. We are also nominated for the Best Humor Blog on blognetawards.com - in fact, it's not too late to vote. I know, I'm shameless - I'll stop if you vote for me.

Ok, enough about us - how are you doing?
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Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I played computer.
David: When Peter played with me and I laugh so many.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: Today, nothing was bad. Sorry.
David: When Mama say over and over me to open my mouth for brushing teeth and I no like that.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To go to Kindergarten and play games with Arman.
David: When Peter play with me.

Gesundheit!

Warning: Objects may actually be more disgusting than they appear.

I came home from work late because of a phone conference with the very inconsiderate Canadians and their damn time difference. Eh? As I walked in, I was shocked to discover two new developments. The first was that Angie apparently lets Tom head butt pumpkins while I am at work. I congratulated her on this unique feeding technique, but she was too busy interrupting me with the second big surprise. Eh?

'They're carrots, moron. Anyway, guess what? Dinner is ready!'

With Angie, cooking normally means one of three things:

a) take-out food
b) microwave
c) fire

I could deduce from the lack of smoke and acrid stench that our kitchen was safe. I made a couple innocent comments about meals that go ding! and suddenly defensive Angie was trying to explain to me that it was a home cooked meal. It just wasn't cooked in our home. Eh?

The pizza from casa de Liberty's was excellent. Angie had been feeling like shit all day, but I think the grease pie helped. That and when I came home, of course. My keen sense of feelings is so in touch with its feminine side that it told Angie to sit down and relax. Then some other voice in my head told me to have all three boys jump up and down on Angie's lap. Eh?

Warning: Objects with fake smiles may actually be more pissed at you than they appear.

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Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I played with you Memory.
David: When Peter sleep with mommy in bed.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When Mama is sick.
David: When Tom's crying.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To play Peter the Hunchback.
David: When Mama came.

see related cartoon

The Sleepy Host

Sami and Kika came by to visit today. I have not seen Sami in quite a while and judging by the effect he had on me and Tom, he should stop by at bedtime on a regular basis. Yes, I fell asleep. Yes, it was in the middle of their visit. Yes, I snored. Loudly.

The fact that I could actually fall asleep during the visit of one of my very good friends should indicate exactly how little sleep I am getting lately. Thanks, Tom. What happened, at least according to my mind, was that Kika and Sami came over to visit. We sat down and Angie and Kika began to go on and on about how awesome their husbands are. Then Angie handed me the human water bottle, also known as Tom. At that point, Tom cast some sort of freaky baby-voodoo that rendered me sleepy and my snoring soon competed with Kika and Angie's praise. Damn you, Tom - you cuddly sleep magnet.

At one point today, Peter started calling his apple juice Jack Daniels and told me he wanted to play cards and bet. Obviously, my dad's recent visit has had a lasting effect on my children. What I am not sure of is whether or not Pop-Pop also introduced my boys to the fine art of cheating. If not, they somehow figured that one out all on their own.

Peter began cheating at W.A.R., a rather simple game that now must include two rounds of betting according to my father. Thanks, Padre. When I tried calling Peter on his creative way of playing, he looked at me like I was insane. I know this look from countless arguments with Angie, but me rolling my eyes at a four-year old had a completely different effect.

In an attempt to distract the boys from a life of blackjack and booze, I whisked them away to the local swimming pool. Peter and David competed with each other the entire time. Peter was the fastest 'walker' in the shallow end and David was the most fearless 'jumper' in the deep end. Papa was the 'coolest Dad' according to me, although to be fair, I was the only dad and I tend to rate myself way below where others would rate me.

As I put the kids to bed, I asked them what they wanted to be if I ever let them grow up. Peter told me he wanted to be a a blackjack dealer and David started babbling something about being an awesome father, but I was simply getting too sleepy. Yes, I snored. Proudly.
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Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I go to the swimming pool and I see Davey.
David: When I go'ed mit Peter swimming mit you.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I couldn't have longer the day.
David: When Tom cry.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To play with Lucy.
David: That I go mit you and Tom swimming - he not go today.

see related cartoon