Thursday, May 20, 2021

Have you ever had one of those days?

Have you ever had one of those days when the cops show up at the front door looking for you because four weeks ago, you began honking at a slow driver in front of you on a narrow one-way street? The same driver who claims that you also jumped out of the car when he stopped and began screaming at him? You don't remember doing any of this, but studies have proven that road rage can fog your recollection of events. 

It doesn't matter - you weren't even home, so they explained this all with a phone call, informing you politely that you now have to go down to the station next week to make an official statement. Then, on your way home, you decide to stop and fill up your toy Smart car with gas, after which you thought it would be a fun financial experiment to see if your card would be blocked if you tried entering a six-digit pin, even though German bank cards only accept four-digit numbers. After finding out that it does not block your card, you try it again, using the same six-digit number. 

At this point, the whole thing becomes more of a 'How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?' type of quagmire. The answer is 364, as was discovered by a group of engineering students from Purdue University, who designed a licking machine that was modeled after a human tongue. You decide to proceed with your equally intellectual quest to find out how many times you can enter an incorrect six-digit number for a 4-digit pin. After your third attempt, you stare at the screen puzzled, trying to comprehend the blinking message informing you that your card has been blocked. The clerk at the gas station tries to help.

'It means your card has been blocked.'

Remembering that the police had shown up at your door earlier that day on an unrelated anger management issue, you suppress your urge to respond and instead grit your teeth, harness the rage swelling up inside you, and redirect your fury on your hunk of a husband, who has ignored your nags for the last several years to order you a credit card, which would have come in quite handy when trying to pay for gas with a blocked bank card and no cash. Your incredibly intelligent husband provocatively suggests that you ask the clerk if you can simply come back later with cash. Thinking that this is a stupid idea, but knowing that he is right 99% of the time, you ask the kind lady behind the counter, who tells you this is no problem and writes down your license plate. 

In a move that would baffle most normal laymen, you then decide to go to a German bank after 4:00 in the PM and expect a human to be there to help you out. You only realize that the bank is closed after parking in the lot behind the bank. The same parking lot that has a gate arm that will open to let you out, provided that you slide your bank card into the slot. Not wanting to limit yourself to merely one financial adventure for the day, you decide to see what happens if you try entering a blocked card when trying to exit the bank's closed parking lot. You almost find it funny when the machine sucks up your card and says that you have to talk to the non-existent humans inside the closed bank, but you stop just short of a giggle. 

You park the car and spend the next five minutes deciding whether to ask your muscular ball of love for help or to spend the night in the car and try again in the morning. As luck would have it, a friend of yours comes walking out of the bank, sees you in the parked car mumbling obscenities at your steering wheel and offers that you follow him when he drives out. He then gets in his car and pulls up to the exit. It's at this point that you try and start the engine and remember a funny little quirk about your car that's not so funny at that particular moment. Smart car engines automatically lock after five minutes of sitting idle while contemplating life's choices, so the only way to get the car started is to remove the key, lock the car, unlock the car and stick the key back into the ignition. You realize that the car is not starting because of this non-humorous glitch and finally get your car started just as he drives though the gate, honks twice and disappears into traffic. You're parked in the first spot in front of the exit, but as luck would not have it, you cannot make it to the gate before the bar closes again.   

You curl up in a ball in the passenger seat, now ready and committed to weather the chilly night air until the bank opens when you remember that you need to pick up Tom from training. Your choice of a life mate was certainly wiser than your choice of a pin number or a car, so you call his wallet, which has both cash and an unblocked bank card, to the rescue. Not wanting to shock the love of your life by thanking him, you instead issue a clear and present statement. 

'I'm ready for wine.'

After making it home without any further monetary bumbles, you find that the chicken Caesar salad that your husband had planned to make was replaced with a pizza because, according to him, he got sidetracked rescuing a smart girl in a Dumb car. Or maybe it was the other way around. Doesn't matter, 'cause look - mama's medicine!

Have you ever had one of those days when you really, really wish that your husband did not have his own blog?