Friday, October 31, 2008

Trick or Trot

This is Peter the cowboy. Or is he a pirate? I'm not really sure anymore. The vest, the badge and the stick horse lean towards cowboy, but the pirate hat, Captain Sharky neckerchief and goatee smell like a pirate to me.

To be honest, though, I don't think Peter really cared. After the first house we tricked and treated, Peter came racing up to me stuttering with excitement.

'Papa!! These people are just giving away candy! I just need to go up with this bag and they put candy in it. For free!!' Well, just be careful of anything that is free - it may cause your kids to go completely nuts and start shaking like polaroids. The sugar gods must be quite content with themselves tonight.

Halloween normally ends up with a tummy ache for most children. Today, David proved yet again that he is not like most children. He started out Halloween with an upset stomache, which progressively got worst throughout the day. In the end, he had to stay home with Mama while I took Peter on the sucrose roller coaster.

I have to say that, considering David had been waiting for this day to come for weeks now and that Peter was able to go, but not him, I had expected a whole mix of crying, spitting, kicking, yelling, and maybe even a little freaking out. I have to also say that David fulfilled my expectations on that one.

People throughout the night kept asking Peter if he was a pirate or a cowboy. Towards the end of the night, he grew a little impatient and began answering them with a look. That look, translated by me, said 'I will be whatever makes you dish out the most candy. Now quit your yammering and fork over the stash so we can keep this confectionery train rolling.'
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I go'ed to the Halloween and did that trick and treating.
David: When I laugh so hard cause I so funny.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I couldn't stay longer making tricks and treats.
David: Christoph bite my finger and I cry.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To go playing with Marie and Sebastian football.
David: I go mit you and Peter swimming.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Happy Buttday!

Today started out fun. Peter was sick, Tom was testing out his lungs and David was, well, being David. Papa, aside from laughing, was not helping much. Gizma just wanted to be fed. This little strip of toilet paper pretty much sums up Mama's wrinkle increase.

The day started out with a good morning headbutt, delivered from David with love to Mama's forehead. Oddly enough, this little happy birthday love tap was not taken so well by the birthday girl, who began chasing the giggling Zidane prodigy around the apartment.

Peter was sick today. Not just sick of Papa being so damn cool, but really sick. I am talking about the whole 'coughing, headache, fever, my-hair-hurts sick'.

Despite this, Peter went to kindergarten because he had a big birthday party to go to. No, not Mama's - we had no party planned. By we, I mean me, and thanks to me for bringing that up again. Note to self: punch yourself.

Peter's big bash was for grape-stomping Lucy from his class. In the end, though, Peter was so ill that Mama (not Papa) made the call to cancel. We found out only later that Peter had been the only male invited to the party. I am a little torn here. For his age, it should not matter. But, in preparation for college, I think he should be taught to be doubly pissed off about missing any party where he is the only Y chromosome.

I had arranged my schedule to leave work an hour early to go pick out a present for Mama. Two hours before leaving work, though, Angie called to tell me to come home because she was having 'the worst birthday ever'. She also told me to skip any side trips I might have planned to buy her a gift - more important to her was for me to get my ass home and relieve her from kid patrol.

I got my ass home in time to enjoy Screamin' Tom, Sick-o Pete and Destructo Dave all jumping on Annoyed Angie. She turned to find me laughing and I soon found myself juggling three boys with varying levels of noise and energy.

Peter had taken some medicine so he was feeling a little better. Mama and I shouted at each other over the roar and decîded to keep our dinner reservations at the local Schnitzel house.

At the restaurant, we met up with Grams, Opa, Heidi, Sami, Kika, Brian, Clarice and Dalia. I ordered a beer and after taking the first sip, Peter started crying. The medicine had worn off and he wanted to go home. Being the bright parents that we are, we had left the medicine at home. If this had been my secret plan to go home early and skip dinner, I would have been giggling on the inside.

David was completely thrilled that his older brother was so sick he had to go home. He gleefully waved goodbye to us and disappeared under the table with Dalia. At last he had her to himself. Opa gave them a key-chain flashlight and they were gone until dessert.

At home, I gave Peter his medicine and by the time the rest of the gang made it home, he was feeling a little bit better. The day ended up pretty much like it started. Peter was still sick. Tom was still crying. David was still breaking shit. I was still cracking up. The only changes were really that Gizma had finally been fed and Angie had reluctantly gained another wrinkle.
Ladder Talk:
[David fell asleep before we made it to the ladder]
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I can sleep with you in your bed and when I can go to Lucy's birthday party at the kindergarten.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I was sick and couldn't go to Lucy's birthday at her house.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To play with Mama a puzzle or a game.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Pumpkin Head

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater, had a wife but couldn't keep her. Well no kidding, freak-o. Who wants to be married to Pumpkin Top?

Angie's day started out with a shower. With three boys and a cat, Angie and I have to set aside time to brush our teeth, so a shower can be somewhat of a luxury.

This morning, luxury turned quickly into disaster shortly after Angie rinsed off the shampoo. I picture the events unfolding as follows.

Angie is destinkafying under a steady stream of hot water, letting her muscles soak away the sores of lugging babies and diaper bags around all day. Her thoughts drift back to a hilarious prank that her mega-funny husband pulled on her years ago B.C. (before children)

At that time, I snuck into the bathroom and unscrewed the lid on her shampoo bottle. Next, I took duct tape and completely taped shut the hole. Then I put the lid back on and waited. And waited. And waited. Ok, maybe Angie didn't shower that often even before we had kids.

Eventually, Angie did bathe again and I huddled outside the door, giggling in anticipation like a little school girl. Finally, the moment came when Angie stood in the shower, hands above her head gripping the shampoo bottle and squeezing until turning red in the face. Finally, the moment of realization hit. 'STEVE!!!!'

It is at this moment of fond remembrance that Angie finishes rinsing off the shampoo only to find that David's hand is sticking through the shower curtains. In his hand, our portable phone, getting completely soaked. 'Mama. Phone. For you?'

We have a history of destroying phones in our family. Oddly enough, the destruction of said phones tends to revolve around Peter, David, and water. With Tom getting bigger by the week, we may need to invest in non-portable water-proof phones with short cords.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I said goodnight to Mama.
David: When I go'ed mit you and Mama said you are out.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I couldn't play with Eisi so long.
David: Peter said you Mama out and I not.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To play with Dalia.
David: When I go mit Peter and bring in water.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Dizzy Gillespie and the Plumbers

Opa has seen me in action and made the wise choice to start teaching my boys how to fix things at an early age. Today's job was also what Angie tries packing every time we go on vacation - the kitchen sink. I am not sure if blowing the pipes was really needed, but if I have learned anything from Opa's handyman lessons, it is to never question anything. Besides, it made farting noises that made the boys laugh.

The morning started out with me burning my hand making coffee. Angie responded to my screaming, yelling and cursing with the wise statement 'that was stupid'.

Thanks, oh great non-stupid person. Perhaps I should bring up the time you locked the keys in the car? Oh, that's right, it's happened so many times now that I would first need to narrow it down á bit. Mmmm. Maybe that one time when the engine was still running? Remember? That was the same time that you had one of our babies in the car. I wasn't so stupid when I came to the rescue, was I?

At breakfast, David wanted to have the green cup, which Papa the Moron gave to Peter. Somehow, I should have known that today, green cups go to David, not Peter. Needless to say, Peter did not want to give up his right to the coveted green cup as soon as he realized David wanted it. In an attempt to secure his prize possession, Peter picked up the cup and licked it.

I was fascinated at Peter's primal urge to mark his territory, but dismayed at the potential social backlash that might arise from wiping your saliva on anything you don't want others to have.

Peter sat back in his chair, smug and visibly confident that his cup was now safe. David took advantage of this brief moment of self-triumph to snatch the cup and spit in it. Yuck. Now David was the one looking quite content. Peter cried. Angie almost cried too and mumbled something about how little girls weren't disgusting.

In the evening, Eisi, Sami and Kika stopped by to help carve pumpkins with the boys. The boys lost interest after about 3 minutes, leaving us mature types to finish the job.

After cracking open the skulls of the innocent gourds and scooping out the goodies inside, we realized that the place stinked. Pumpkin innards smell horrible, but this was something even worse.

I looked over at the playpen and saw Peter and David, who were pointing at Tom and snickering. Judging by the smell, I would say that Tom had finally caught up in today's 'let's disgust Mama' contest. Judging by the giggles, I would say that Tom, like our kitchen sink pipes, was making noises that made our boys laugh.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I played with Eisi.
David: When Eisi come and Kika come and Sami come - every come.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I couldn't play with Eisi that golden game or something like it.
David: When I kaput.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To play with Eisi that golden game.
David: When I go mit you and I go mit Sami down in my home.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

We don't need no water...

I could say Happy (belated) Birthday to Barbara. I could make a joke about getting older since I know how much this annoys her. Instead, I will simply say that it is a good thing that Germans do not believe in smoke detectors. Man, look at that forest fire!!

Barbara tried to deny getting older by flying off to Mexico. Her plan somehow overlooked a few subtle details: 1) that she would one day need to return home 2) that nowadays they sell very long burning candles 3) that, excluding Angie, we are a very patient family.

Despite Angie's occasional lack of patience, her experience and knowledge gained while working at a nursing home really helped to add a certain level of sensitivity to Barbara's aging party. I have been known to be rather sensitive to the wrinkly generation myself, so all in all, I think Barb was well looked after. If anything, she was not cold, 'cause Man, look at that forest fire!!
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I saw Eisi and Barbara had a birthday.
David: When Babara come mit Eisi and Babara make me laugh why she so funny.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When David screamed his head off so loud.
David: When Tom cry.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To play with you basketball but with a football instead of a basketball.
David: When I go'ed mit you and Peter swimming and no Tom.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The Viking Facelift

Never shove a viking in the face. Especially if you're a pirate. Even more so if you are only two years old. If you're handcuffed on top of everything, you're just insanse.

Tom had his first bath today if you can really call it that. It was a big tub full of milk and olive oil. Are we trying to clean him or marinate him?

Today I tried to help Angie while she was giving Tom his 'I'm a new baby' medicine. I held his hands and feet and her only task was to shove the tiny spoon into his open mouth. When she stumbled for too long, I questioned her previous work experience at a nursing home. 'Bigger mouths' was Angie's short and sweet response.

Rob the viking stopped by today and entertained the kids for hours. In addition to being handcuffed, David was also hooked, macheted and tickled. He also somehow conned Rob into reading every book they own.

When Rob was done with the boys, I took them to bed for an easy out. Rob stayed with Angie and got her addicted to Facebook. Thanks, Rob - I always wanted a social-networking junkie in the house.

It actually started when Rob logged on to Facebook and was explaining it to Angie. I came in and mentioned to Angie that she had an account. Despite many, many failed attempts over the years, Angie decided yet again to argue with me. I then logged on to her account, which was still active, despite the fact that it has not been used since being created over a year ago.

The first screen that came up informed Angie that she had two friends. The only noise in the room was me cracking up at how comical Angie's jaw-dropping exercise was. Next came Rob, who simply started laughing and pointing fingers at Angie and her two friends.

Never tell Angie that she has only two friends. Especially if those two friends have waited over a year to have their friendship requests answered. Even more so if this information is discovered on the losing end of a bet with your sexy husband. If you actually set up the account over a year ago but forgot to tell your lovely and hopefully forgiving wife and then openly admit this, you're insane.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I saw Rob and he was reading and reading.
David: When you go to work and me and Peter we draw.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I slipped in the bathroom and hurt's like a knee on your arm...yeah, the elbow.
David: When Christoph bite me in my hair.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To see the surprise that is Mama's surprise.
David: When I can go to the swimming pool mit my family, even Tom.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Leave me alone

What goes up must come down. What we see here are the after effects of a lot of sugar-packed candy and Kool-Aid. This would be the up. I really hope that Angie is the one around when he comes crashing back down.

David surprised me today by doing something that did not involve breaking windows, coloring on the wall or peeing on the sofa. Those examples were not changed to protect the innocent - David really did these things and he was guilty as hell.

David's pleasant shocker today was his ability to recite the entire ABC song, including the ever-annoying 'won't you sing with me next time?' question at the end. What pisses me off is that the first time you hear it, you are so thrilled that you accept this offer. This then locks you into singing the dumb-ass song for the next two years. My answer from now on is 'No! I will not sing that shitty song with you - it drives me nuts. If you really want to score points with me, forget the ABC song and learn both versions of Man From Nantucket.'

Barb stopped by today and as you can see here, she had lots of interesting things to show the boys. The first was how the sun is attracted to her butt for some strange reason. Holy crap?

Next, Barb thought it would be beyond brilliance to teach our children to put sharp knives in their mouths. Thanks, maybe next week you can show them the fine art of sword swallowing.

In her final tidbit of wisdom, the Godmother demonstrated how to sneak a pistol in her boot. At least now they are ready if prohibition ever comes around again. Even if it doesn't, what self-respecting four year-old doesn't know how to smuggle weapons? I just hope that Angie is the one around when they get caught crossing the border.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I played by Grams & Opa and when Barbara came.
David: When I go'ed mit Peter to the zoo and see Opa and Grams and Babara.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I couldn't longer as 5 minutes to play.
David: When Tom cry.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To play with you swords.
David: When I go mit Mama see you and Tom to see Babara and Opa and Grams.


It takes a big man to admit when he looks like a jackass. I am a big man. Check out the story.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

The Sleepy Host

Sami and Kika came by to visit today. I have not seen Sami in quite a while and judging by the effect he had on me and Tom, he should stop by at bedtime on a regular basis. Yes, I fell asleep. Yes, it was in the middle of their visit. Yes, I snored. Loudly.

The fact that I could actually fall asleep during the visit of one of my very good friends should indicate exactly how little sleep I am getting lately. Thanks, Tom. What happened, at least according to my mind, was that Kika and Sami came over to visit. We sat down and Angie and Kika began to go on and on about how awesome their husbands are. Then Angie handed me the human water bottle, also known as Tom. At that point, Tom cast some sort of freaky baby-voodoo that rendered me sleepy and my snoring soon competed with Kika and Angie's praise. Damn you, Tom - you cuddly sleep magnet.

At one point today, Peter started calling his apple juice Jack Daniels and told me he wanted to play cards and bet. Obviously, my dad's recent visit has had a lasting effect on my children. What I am not sure of is whether or not Pop-Pop also introduced my boys to the fine art of cheating. If not, they somehow figured that one out all on their own.

Peter began cheating at W.A.R., a rather simple game that now must include two rounds of betting according to my father. Thanks, Padre. When I tried calling Peter on his creative way of playing, he looked at me like I was insane. I know this look from countless arguments with Angie, but me rolling my eyes at a four-year old had a completely different effect.

In an attempt to distract the boys from a life of blackjack and booze, I whisked them away to the local swimming pool. Peter and David competed with each other the entire time. Peter was the fastest 'walker' in the shallow end and David was the most fearless 'jumper' in the deep end. Papa was the 'coolest Dad' according to me, although to be fair, I was the only dad and I tend to rate myself way below where others would rate me.

As I put the kids to bed, I asked them what they wanted to be if I ever let them grow up. Peter told me he wanted to be a a blackjack dealer and David started babbling something about being an awesome father, but I was simply getting too sleepy. Yes, I snored. Proudly.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I go to the swimming pool and I see Davey.
David: When I go'ed mit Peter swimming mit you.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I couldn't have longer the day.
David: When Tom cry.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To play with Lucy.
David: That I go mit you and Tom swimming - he not go today.

see related cartoon

Friday, October 17, 2008

Things are looking up

It may look like Peter is waiting to be beamed up by aliens, but the only strange creature staring down at him is me. Today, Peter embarked on his first solo flight to kindergarten. One small step for Peter, one giant step for ensuring Papa's laziness since I no longer need to walk Peter to school. Get the hell out of my nest, little bird.

This morning began with the routine cereal request from Peter and David, with one minor difference. Today, when I opened the cabinet to get out the bowls, a wave of sour milk tickled my nose hairs. Hmmm, intriguing.

As I investigated the source of this foul surprise, I flashed back to yesterday morning, when David was so eager to show me what a big boy he was and begged me to allow him to take the cereal bowls to the kitchen. Shit!

At that point, it dawned on me that I never actually told him to put the bowls in the sink. David, like any normal android, was simply following what was logically programmed into his memory chip. Papa gets the bowls from the cabinet. I must take the bowls back home.

Throughout the day, David proved over and over again his inability to grasp the whole 'toilet' concept. Given the current financial crisis, which actually hit our family years ago, I would really expect David to chip in and start trying to save us the cost of diapers, because hey, that shit can be expensive.

Despite David's potty training setbacks, he went to his first hour of kindergarten today. It was the first in a series of 'warm-up' visits that are designed to prepare David for the harsh reality of k-world. I am not sure these are really needed, though. David's midas-like knack for destroying anything he touches should quickly win over the respect and fear of the other kinders at the garten.

At dinner tonight, I made sausages for the boys. Peter explained to me that he is mature enough to eat sausages with the skin and was quick to point out that 'David the big baby needs to have his sausages peeled'. Little did he know at that point that he might regret highlighting this minor eating preference.

Peter struggled with his plate for over an hour. I got annoyed and told Peter that I was going to the kitchen to clean up and that when I got back, his plate better be clean. Peter nodded and David giggled with glee. Aaahh, brotherly love.

When I came back in, Peter's plate was clean. 'Hey! Bravo! Great job finishing your...hey! What the hell is that?! When I left, David had one piece left and now he had five pieces and four of them had skin. How do you explain that?'

Kids are so funny because they do not realize how obviously comical their faces are when trying to lie. After half a minute of brain-searching, Peter came up with a dazzler. 'I think the sausages flew from my plate over to David's'.

Oh, ok. As long as there is some reasonable explanation. Thanks for clearing that one up. I'm just going to get a bucket of water ready for when your pants burst into flames.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I go'ed to the kindergarten and saw David.
David: When I go to the kindergarten like a big boy.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I cried because I couldn't eat so much and then I put food on David's plate and then I told you that it flew there - that was not true and then you make me in trouble and that's when I cried cause you said I couldn't have a dessert and so I started crying.
David: When Tom cry.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: Play with you dress up.
David: When I swimming pool and I swim and I swim and no get out.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Don't try this at home

Peter was running around the house today screaming off-key cartoon songs at the top of his lungs. In an effort to shut the boy up for two minutes, I told him to go lick his elbow. For most normal humans, this is not possible. Peter is anything but normal and today he used his disproportionate arms and tongue to prove this point. Next time, I will simply tell him to go whistle.

You will notice a missing entry for yesterday. This was my first day back to work after several weeks off and Angie's first day home with three kids and a cat. I don't know who made out better, but I can certainly tell you who made out quieter.

Rob stopped by, which is great because he has a beard. The kids are fascinated by beards and somehow much quieter whenever bearded people are around. Of course Angie and I like Rob for a number of other reasons, but his hairy face's ability to mute our children definitely tops my list.

The theme lately has been loud. Tom is already proving that he is not one to easily be outdone. I think he feels a need to compete with Peter and David, but he sleeps too often during the day to even come close. He compensates for this lost loud time by waking up every two hours at night to scream. His plan does not work, though, since his screaming fits normally wake up Peter and David, who also begin crying. At 4 o'clock in the morning, I confirmed my suspicions that screaming at them to go lick their elbows does not work.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I played with Mara in the sun group from my kindergarten.
David: When Rob come by to play mit me.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When it's getting shorter and shorter and shorter by the days.
David: When Tom cry so loud, owa on my ears.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To play with David and show him my kindergarten.
David: When I go swimming mit you.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

David van Gogh

Oh, what's this? Is Fearless Dave a little nervous about a strange woman with scissors? At least it was reassuring to find that there is something that scares David. Angie tried her best to comfort him by promising him that nothing would happen. As it turned out, Mama was full of shit.

In Angie's defense, she did not know at the time that the barber would slip and come close to turning him into David van Gogh. It was only a scratch, but as you might imagine, David's fear of barbers was not alleviated today.

The morning started out with an interesting glimpse into why, exactly, we are late to any event involving Angie. Just that statement should be enough to indicate the who but I have always wondered about the how.

Peter needed to be at kindergarten 15 minutes earlier, so we were already 25 minutes behind schedule. I kept my cool, but Angie panicked and started freaking out. 'We're not going to make it. We need to pack his lunch AND get him dressed. Holy shit! We're all going to die - Aaaaagghhh'. I am not sure if those were her exact words, but I am sure she won't mind if I just paraphrase.

As we rushed about making sure Peter was not late to his time-critical finger-painting class, I poked my head in the kitchen to check on Angie. She was supposed to be getting Peter's lunch ready, which in hindsight was rather stupid since it involved Angie preparing a meal.

This complicated snack normally consists of a box of juice, a sandwich and some cookies. This should not take long, at least not following my approach. Angie's approach is similar, only it involves doing all the dishes, mopping the floor, and defrosting the freezer first. See, Angie gets distracted easily and tends to start doing whatever pops into her brain at the time instead of prioritizing the tasks.

She turned and gave me the 'caught look'. She stopped alphabetizing recipes or cleaning the oven or whatever the hell she was doing and informed me that his lunch was almost finished. Well, it wouldn't be the first time today that Mama would be full of shit.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I go to my drawing class.
David: When I go in the kindergarten and see Peter mit Mama and mit Tom.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I couldn't see Mommy.
David: When Christoph bite me.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To play with you football.
David: When I go mit you to see the water and play mit Peter.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Just Shoot Me

Today, Angie took us to Gülay Keskin to have a bunch of pictures taken of herself under the pretense of some kind of photo shoot for Tom. Whatever, camera hog. It did not take long for Tom to express his bashful opinion of his naked photos. Screaming, followed by peeing all over the canvases, culminating with a giggle as we cleaned up his artistic statement was his way of saying 'Thanks, Mom'.

After getting shot and peed on, Angie and I took Tom home. Grams & Opa were watching Peter and David and, I am sure, anxiously awaiting our return. After a quick lunch, Opa began ripping out our stove. I can assure you it had nothing to do with Angie's cooking, since he left the microwave completely alone. Grams and Opa recently bought a new induction kitchen so we inherited their oven.

When the new stove top did not fit, I began crying, but Opa the Saw came to the rescue. After much sawdust and minor hearing loss, our kitchen was once again operational and ready for Angie to chef-on. Yeah, right.

After another hour or two of showing Opa exactly how little I know about fixing shit, I ran off with Peter for his swimming lesson. As you can see here, he is also somewhat of a camera hog. To avoid the sofa, I would like to emphasize that some hogs can be rather cute. Babe. Angie is so tolerant of idiots, though, so I am sure I have nothing to worry about. Thanks, Mom.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I played with David these missions that you said.
David: When Tom come.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I couldn't carry Tom on the way to the car.
David: When I bonk on the floor.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To play with David football.
David: When I play mit Peter in the pool.

The ice-pop blues

While the rest of us were jumping for joy, Peter, for some strange reason, was sad that Pop-pop's visit was over. Check out the goodbye story.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Cat's in the cradle

It's great that the old geezer thinks I'm a kitty and that he can cradle me like a sack of flour, but where the hell is my silver spoon?

David woke up this morning astounded that Mama has TWO boobs. Tom had just finished eating and Angie was 'airing out' when David came barging in. He did a double-take at Mama's double-barrels and shouted 'Hey Mama, you have two booooooobbbbbiiiiieeeessss!!' I am sure the neighbors cracked up along with me. Not surprisingly, Angie did not join our laughing circle.

Silly Pop-Pop thought he might gain a little jet-lag sympathy, but our boys do not understand things like time zones and jet lag. They think that people who sleep until noon are funny and they find it funny to jump on people who sleep until noon. It turns out that they were right for a change - it was hilarious.

Waking a sleeping dragon will normally result in a lot of spit and fire. If cursing and indigestion count, then Pop-Pop the Magic Dragon did just fine. We picked up Puff at the hotel and forced him to watch Peter and David perform amazing tricks at the playground like going down slides and swinging.

Time flies when you are nursing a jetlagover and before the boys could check if Pop-Pop's mustache was real, it was time for the sailor man to pull out of port. This is a fancy way of stating that Pop-Pop was flooding with affection and needed to anchor out to avoid eye drowning.

Tom was extremely sad to see Pop-Pop go. Sad, in this context, involves a lot of giggling and sticking his tongue out, and not necessarily in that order. I truly think that if Tom had been given that silver spoon, Pop-Pop might have had a harder time getting through the metal detector.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I go'ed with Ice-Pop to the playground.
David: When I see Pop-Pop, your Papa.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I couldn't see Ice-Pop anymore.
David: When Christoph bite me.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To play with you, David and Mama with that game from Ice-Pop with these chips and the cards.
David: When I go mit you to see hippo.

see related cartoon

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Pop-Pop the sailor man

Tom is still such a new creature that almost every day he is doing something for the first time. First time peeing, first smile, first time peeing on Papa and then smiling. For seasoned veterans like Peter and David, it is not that often that they get to do something for the first time. Pop-Pop was able to give them a few new memories. Soaking in a jacuzzi, learning how to gamble, and cursing to name a few. I will let you guess which lovely memories I thought could have waited for a few more years.

The day started out with Peter and David waking up and discovering that Pop-Pop had not slept in their bed. They then began crying and weeping, in addition to moaning and whining. I told them to trust me when I said that Pop-Pop's snoring was like waking a bear with thunder, but they obviously do not trust me. I do not know why, but please don't ask Angie for an explanation.

We finished with the swimming lessons and decided to allow the Weekend Warrior a tiny power nap. Refreshed, but not really looking much better, Pop-Pop met us for dinner at a nice little Schnitzel House around the corner. Grams, Opa and Heidi completed the dinner for eight, although Tom snoozed through the main course.

After belly-stuffing for over two hours, we made our way back to the apartment. Instead of tucking the boys into bed and reading them nice stories to make them sleepy, my dad thought it would be a genius idea to teach my boys how to play cards and gamble. I might also add that my dad thinking has never ended well and this was no exception.

First of all, David is two. He is not Rain Man. He cannot count cards. He doesn't understand things like 'double-down' and 'High Chicago follow the Bitch'. But yes, he is an excellent driver.

Peter is only four, but at least now he can repeat things like 'Queen beats a Jack, every day of the week'. He can also repeat the lovely expression 'shit', although I am not sure where he picked up that gem. Hmm. That's a puzzler. Thanks, Padre, for the lovely memories, even if I think some of them could've waited a few more years.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When Pop-Pop make when I go with him swimming pool and I got the orange fish.
David: I go to you mit Pop-Pop and me and Peter and not Mama and we are swimming.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When couldn't play cards four times longer.
David: When I no 'Little Einstein Fire-bird' see or watch.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To play with Pop-Pop some more cards.
David: When I see Pop-Pop and me and Peter and go swimming again.

Friday, October 10, 2008

The Fly-by Visitor

I have always told my kids not to go up and hug strangers. I forgot, however, to tell them not to go up and hug strange looking people. This odd-looking goof ball is my Dad, also known as Pop-Pop, also known as Ice-Pop, also known as 'please stop teaching curse words to my children'. I asked him to tone it down and reminded him that he had children once. 'I remember', he smirked.

I dropped off Peter at kindergarten and built the playpen for Tom. Playpen is just a play-ful word for prison, though. It's got bars and a wall that little Tommy-Q could never climb, so why not just release the prisoner on the carpet and slap on one of those electro-shock ankle bracelets to zap him if he gets too close to the stairs?

As I was putting together the playpen, I was reminded that yet again Angie was right. I really hate admitting this - probably because it happens way too often. After David had outgrown the playpen, I wanted to turn it into a kick-ass poker table for Papa. It is a hexagon and the perfect size for a good blackjack table. Angie balked and made some silly comment about one day having more kids. Ok, she was right.

Whenever Angie is right, it always makes me think of the one time when I was right. Excuse the flashback, but it started way back when Angie and I were dating...

It was our second date, to be specific. We decided to go to a Mexican restaurant for a nice dinner followed by indigestion. We arrived and carried on nervous chit-chat as the waiter served us. We ordered the food and waited. And waited. And waited. Finally, not sure if I should reveal at that early stage what an asshole I can be, I called the waiter over and asked what the hell was taking our burritos so long.

Not-so-speedy Gonzalez turned beet red, apologized, and ran off to the kitchen to place the order we had made the hour before. He returned with two shots as an apology. He placed them on the table and disappeared crying.

Angie asked me what I thought they were. 'Probably Tequila', I said. She told me it was too dark to be tequila, so I lifted my glass to smell it. Angie did as well, but there was one slight difference between the two. Mine was filled to a little red line about a quarter inch below the top. Angie's was filled to the brim.

I smelled mine and watched as Angie delicately lifted hers to her nose and then proceeded to inhale half of the shot up her nose. She started coughing, spitting, gagging and what could only be described as screaming as I laughed my ass off and pointed at her. Even the waiter started cracking up. Five minutes later when she regained her composure, she acknowledged that it was Tequila. I was right.

This afternoon, I picked up Peter and told him we had to go meet a 'surprise visitor'. The guessing started immediately.

Is it Eisi?


Is it Barbara?


Is it Superman?

Uh... does Superman have a mustache and drink Jack Daniel´s?

Barbara and Eisi should be honored that Peter put them on his list before Superman, but I am not sure what this says about the frequency and likelihood of their visits.

We showed up at the hotel to find Super Pop-Pop out front waiting for us. Needless to say, the boys were shocked and thrilled. Not to pop Pop-Pop's bubble, but David finds anything with a hairy lip interesting.

By looking at the suitcase that Ice-Pop had brought with him, I thought he would be staying for weeks. Seeing later the number of VERY LOUD toys he brought with him, I understood how he packed for his two-day visit. I thanked him for the VERY LOUD toys and reminded him how lovely those types of gifts are for parents. He grinned and gave me a sly smile - 'I remember'.

We spent the rest of the night trying to calm the boys down. My Dad did his part by giving them candy, chasing them around, and betting them on who could stay up the longest. I tried telling my Dad that if the kids don't get to bed early, they won't sleep longer and they will just be horrible in the morning. To this, wise old Pop-Pop smiled and said once again, 'I remember.'
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When Pop-Pop come and he gave us surprises.
David: When Pop-Pop play mit me that light thing.
Pop-Pop: The best part of today was that I came and saw my grandsons Peter, David, and Thomas and I got to bring presents from me and Oma.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When David bonked his head.
David: When he a bad boy.
Pop-Pop: They didn't have Jack Daniel´s on the plane and I had to drink Scotch and it made me gag, but I somehow made it through.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To go swimming with Pop-Pop at the hotel.
David: To go mit Peter and Pop-Pop - that Papa from Papa.
Pop-Pop: We're gonna go swimming and we're gonna play cards. I'll teach you how to gamble.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

David Swimmer

This is the cute little smile that David flashed at me seconds before running off and cannon balling into the deep end. I am damn glad I put the floats on first, since David cannot swim - a small point that eludes his tiny brain whenever he gets within jumping distance of water.

The morning started out with a surprise double hug from Peter when I dropped him off at kindergarten. I took him and got him settled and gave him our normal hug goodbye. As I left, I turned at the doorway for our normal goodbye wave. Instead, he came running up to me, in full view of the other kids I might add, and gave me a big bear hug. To add joy to happiness, he whispered 'I love you' in my ear.

All too soon the day will come that Peter will be embarrassed by his father and not be willing to show any type of affection in public. This will probably be the day that he can read and stumbles across the link to this blog, but it could happen even sooner. I didn't spend too much time thinking about it though; I just cherished the moment and probably lingered a bit longer at the doorway than usual.

I got home and was greeted by Tom, who gave me a welcome home 'something'. I really can't describe it. It was somewhere between a sneeze and a fart, but had elements of a hiccup and burp. Whatever it was, I am sure it was Tom's disgusting way of telling me how cool I am. Thanks, little buddy, but I already know.

Something about Tom's weird bodily hello made me want to shower off. Our tub is full of dirty poop rags and stained baby clothes, though, so I grabbed David and we made our way to the local swimming pool.

David is either trying to drown himself or give me a heart attack and today, he almost did both. I have said it before, but that boy simply has no fear. I do. Not a good combination, but I must say it made for an interesting afternoon.

As we made our way back to the locker rooms, David sprinted off and went straight into the ladies´ side instead of the men´s. Stupid two year-old. Can't read, I guess. Anyway, I had no choice but to chase him and found him chatting to a nice and unbashful eighty-year old woman getting changed.

She complimented my red cheeks and beautiful son and I complimented her tattoo of an eagle with a really long neck. David's close encounter with the old and kind only demonstrated how little he fears things that are or will make him wrinkly.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I played Spiderman with you.
David: When I go mit you in the swimming pool little and I swim and you swim.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When David was quicker as me by dinner.
David: That yuck make me cry.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: Play with you Spiderman.
David: I want to be Bonoman.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Follow the sleepy brick road

Tom had his first breath of fresh air today. After the nasty little diaper bombs he has been letting loose in the house, the walk outside was more for Papa than him. The first time the wind hit his face was a memory all on its own. It was a mixture of confusion, fear and pleasure all wrapped up into one toothless grin.

This morning, I dropped the pacifier on the carpet. I picked it up well within the 10 second rule, but when I tried giving it back to Tom, Angie cast me the 'stupid look' that reminded me of the time I asked a Chinese girl how many siblings she had.

I mean, come on. A newborn baby's immune system can resist a nuclear attack. So why is it that our other two boys could drop mashed potatoes in a sandbox and still get a hygienic green light from Mama to brush it off and chow down?

I know you are dying to hear my theory, and I am not about to disappoint my two readers. It has absolutely nothing to do with the dirty floor. It has to do with the fact that every mother is just as paranoid as Angie is with their precious little poop-sack. If they sold tiny corks for the ears, nose and mouth and then marketed this as being safer for the baby, Angie would overlook the whole 'not being able to breathe' downside and add that to the list of bubble-wrap, baby helmets and knee pads that will certainly become absolutely urgent to buy in the next day or so.

Angie's motherly instincts kicked in again while I was getting Peter dressed for kindergarten in what I would call 'backseat dressing'. Angie was busy feeding The Mouth, so she could not dress Peter herself. Despite somehow managing to clothe our kids for almost a week while she was in Club Med-ical, she still felt the need to tell me how to do everything.

'You need to tuck his shirt in' is great advice - just not as I am pulling the shirt over his head.

'He needs a belt'
is another great tip, but if I have not even put on his pants yet, at least let me get to the point where your help might be needed.

'Don't forget to brush his teeth'. Ok, this was getting ridiculous. I tried to preempt the harping, I mean, suggestions, by announcing that 'yes, I will be putting on the socks before the shoes and no, I will not dry him off in the microwave'. I make me laugh all the time, but other than that, this family obviously has no sense of humor.

Tom has a little skin problem, which is a fancy way of stating that the little frog has zits all over his face and his skin is peeling. He looks like a sun burnt zombie with a bad case of acne. But in a cute way, of course.

Peter informed me today that his bones are shrinking, so he can't walk and he now needs to be carried everywhere. Ok, you lose one point for being a lazy-ass, but I'll give you two points for creativity. I can't wait to hear his versions of 'my dog ate my homework'.

Peter and David went to Meyssam's birthday party today. Unfortunately we didn't get the official invitation in time, which apparently explained that the kids should dress up as pirates. Peter quickly forgot this small point as soon as the party began. Mariam packed the hours with games, cake and a treasure hunt that Peter talked about for the rest of the evening. Happy Birthday, Captain Meyssam!

Tonight we had the kids all in bed and asleep before midnight. Yeah, those parenthood books really paid off. We decided to finally open the bottle of champagne we had in the fridge to celebrate Tom's escape from the womb. As Angie took a sip of her first alcohol in over nine months, a mixture of confusion, fear and pleasure transformed into a grin, which thankfully is still toothful.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When we found the treasure by Meyssam's birthday.
David: When I read Captain Hook.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I wasn't the one to find the treasure.
David: When Christoph bite me and I cry.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: When I'm big to be Spiderman.
David: When we have fun with you and me.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The Rainbow and the Jellyfish

According to Peter, this is obviously a picture of Tom. Holy stupid me! This is clearly evident by the presence of the jellyfish, some safety scissors, a green shark wearing lipstick, a rather dark rainbow and a giant sneeze mark. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I may need thicker glasses.

This morning started out great, if great is your idea of three kids screaming in stereo at 6 o'clock in the AM. Peter started the whole chorus by screaming out 'my knee hurts', followed by David screaming 'I'm sorry Peter'. The grand finale came when Tom screamed. Just screamed.

Papa saved the day by telling all three of them to shut up. When that didn't work, I tried feeding them. That worked for Peter and David, but Tom was just being a little baby. Excuse me for not having boobies.

I took Peter off to kindergarten and came back to find David watching a cartoon involving a dog and an astronaut. David proudly announced to Angie and I that when he grows up, he wants to be the dog. I personally think it is healthy for him to set his goals so low. So many kids nowadays want to be spectacular things like the Astronaut or the President or the sexy author of a really funny blog. It's refreshing to know that our kids want to simply keep it real and be common house pets. You go, dog.

Grams, Opa and Carol came over to take Lassie off the leash for a few hours. Opa was forced to stay behind and help me do really complicated handyman work. I won't bore you with the details, just know that complicated to me means changing a lightbulb. For Opa, complicated means flying an airplane.

Opa came with the trailer and what is one to do with an empty trailer other than go to IKEA and fill it with more shit to build? I really should be getting IKEA to sponsor me at some point. We already account for more than half of their monthly intake so why shouldn't they make us their poster family?

Today's victim was another closet for the boys. Since Tom crashed our party of four, Peter has begun marking out his territory, saying things like 'David already keeps his stinky dirty yucky socks next to mine - does this mean that Tom is going to put his there, too?'. His sudden need for space to store his filthy toe mittens turned into another IKEA closet, just for him and his reclusive feet. Now, I can safely say that his stink, David's stench and Tom's reekiness will happily remain odor hermits forever after.

Throughout the day, we had a few visitors. Notice the thoughtful lack of 'too many' in the previous sentence between 'few' and 'visitors'. We will be installing the revolving door next week to better accommodate the number of people stopping by on a daily basis to see me. And Tom, according to them, but I know what they really mean by 'we came here just to see Tom, not you'. Yeah, right. Wink, wink. Now quit looking at the wrinkly kid and go get yourself some thicker glasses.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When Grams pick me up.
David: When I go'ed mit Mama see this water.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I couldn't be longer on my drawing class.
David: When Christoph bit me. [Just so you know, Christoph, like Gizma, has only bitten David once. He is now reliving this 'worst' moment despite the fact that they get along just fine. They, being both Gizma and Christoph.]

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To play with Tom something but I don't know what.
David: When Grams pick me up.

The Happy Kid

I felt like David needed some extra love and attention today. As the middle kid now, I think he is taking Tom's arrival as a potential threat to his normal dose of love and attention. Today I took him to an indoor playground so that we could make up for any lost time in the past week. For him, it was an overdose of 'Happy'. For me, it was an overdose of 'Kids'.

We tore the place apart, racing from the air-filled crocodile to the pool of plastic balls to the trampolines to the grenade launchers shooting sponge balls to the restaurant where you can purchase beer at 10 o'clock in the morning as you babysit your children. I love Germany.

At one point, David and I played a rather simple game of 'wake Papa'. I laid down on one of the rubber mats and pretended to be sleeping. David would then come over and 'wake' me, at which point I would become very irate and chase him throughout the indoor park.

This game was great fun for approximately 200 times. On the the 201st time, though, I laid there with my eyes closed waiting for David to come poke me and was instead shaken by an elderly lady who asked me 'Are you ok, because I'm a doctor?'. To which I replied 'I'm fine, but who the hell are you and where is my son?'

Apparently that last round of 'wake Papa' was the point where David got bored with the game and ventured off, leaving me to explain to Nurse Nancy that no, I was not having a heart attack, but thanks for asking.

I found David about ten minutes later trying to remove a very BIG KID off of one of the trampolines. By BIG, I do not mean someone who was 'slightly chunkified'. I mean this was a puberty-age teenager with muscles and a mustache that frightened me, but somehow equated to a red flag being waved in front of David's nose. One tiny bruise and two very scowling looks later, David decided to leave Mr. Big alone.

While we were off being woken by concerned doctors, Angie had a house call of her own. Ortrud, Angie's mid-wife, came by to remove the stitches. I have to say 'glad I missed that fun'. The following checkup went great and Angie is now fit to once again cook and clean. Ok, I must admit, sometimes I write stuff that only I find extremely funny.

We got home and picked up Peter from kindergarten. For a change, Peter was the one bursting with spit, fire and rage. He chased David around the house until David finally cried out 'Help, David's trying to hit me!!'. At this point, Peter stopped and looked at David and said 'wait a minute - you're not...Peter'. They both stopped and stared at each other for a moment before cracking up and falling to the floor.

Peter had swimming lessons in the afternoon. I took him, since for some strange reason Angie is not ready for the bikini yet. Whatever. Prude.

While getting Peter undressed, I found a purple rubber lizard that was curled up in his sock. It made me jump, but Peter snatched it and said 'Ah, there it is, thanks Papa'. Ok, some things are just too bizarre to ask any questions.

Peter Hasselhoff did awesome today. He learned how to float backwards. Ok, I must be honest and confess that the mantra 'Hey, that's great. But can you whistle?' was going through my head the entire time, but I am happy to state that, unlike last time, I did not speak these words out loud.

I know everyone is dying for pictures and stories of Tom. Well, for the pictures, go to the Flickr site and as for the stories - pretty much sums up Tom's life successes. Hey, whatever makes you a Happy Kid!
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I go swimming with Dalia.
David: When I go'ed mit you spielgruppe and play crocodile.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When Rob came, but I had to go to bed.
David: When I no not in water like Peter and Dalia.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: When I finished with kindergarten and drawing, I want to play with you football.
David: I go mit you in zoo.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Monty Python's Petting Circus

Peter and David have spent days now cuddling and petting Tom. Today, I thought they might be in the mood for something even slimier. A nearby Reptilian Exhibit did the trick just fine.

I hate snakes, lizards and other things that go ick in the night, but Angie was giving out chores today like a woman who just gave birth and came home to six days of no housework being done, so I thought it would be best to boogy out of town for a cooling down period.

Some women have Post Partem Depression, but after leaving me at the controls for over a week, it was a bit more like Post Partem Aggression.

I picked up Brian and Dalia as the ladies did silly things like recovering from giving birth and painting. Angie doesn't paint.

The exhibit was nice, in a 'tattooed-gypsies-ripping-me-off' kind of way. I really wasn't aware that spiders are now classified as reptiles; silly me thought they were arachnids.

The picture here cost us fifteen bucks because we had two animals in it. Thankfully, they did not charge us extra for our own kids.

After the Zoo crew met Crocodile Dundee and the Gypsy Kings, we headed out for some much needed ice cream. Keeping with tradition, the kids SCREAMED for ICE CREAM the entire ride back. By entire, I mean the whole freakin' way. I'm sure it's cute for elderly people who have hearing problems, but Brian and I are still in our prime, despite the reports coming out of

After getting the kids doped up on natural sugar highs, we thought it would be wise to return to our respective homes and unleash the wild ones on the domesticated ones. It was fun to watch, but I have to say that a 7-day old doesn't really put up much of a fight.

At one point, David walked over to Mama and asked her why Tom was drinking from her arm. I would say that David either needs to learn more Geography or more Anatomy. At least after today, one thing he will not need is a lesson on reptiles. Or spiders. Or big hairy gypsies with tattoos.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I go'ed to the reptile show.
David: When I play mit you and Peter and Dalia and Brian.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When by the reptile show no drink there was for me to drink.
David: When we saw that Gruffalo.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To play with David my phone calls to David to me.
David: When we hear the Sharky song.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Tommy Osbourne

Man, I thought it would be years before I could find some really good blackmail material like Spiderclown to later piss off Tom on prom night. Turns out, it just takes a little Black Sabbath and some toy bats.

Tom wasn't the only one with demonic urges. Angie had a good week's worth of chores and built-up nagging to tend to. Not one to shuck duties, she started right in. I quickly realized that Tom was my savior. If I held him in my arms, I could avoid just about anything. 'Sorry, honey. I'd love to build your new sock closet, but Tom's asleep.' Yeah, that worked for about two minutes.

Around lunchtime, Tom fell alseep on my shoulder. Peter and David were screaming that they were hungry and whining about how we never feed them. Whatever. I asked Angie to pre-heat the oven for a frozen pizza without thinking about what a difficult task this would be for a woman who has never seen an oven before. I can't believe I could be that insensitive.

After fifteen minutes, I got up, confident that the oven was ready and quite certain that Angie could not peform the simple follow-up task of actually putting the pizza in the oven. I opened the oven door, expecting the typical rush of warm air that normally carries with it a slight burnt smell left over from the previously cooked meal. Now, I know that the pizzas were frozen, but I am pretty sure that does not mean that the oven should be ice-cold.

I was amazed to find out that Angie was amazed to find out that there are actually two knobs to turn to get an oven to work. One is for the temperature, which Angie corrected dialed in. The other is for whether the heat comes from the top, bottom or both. Angie chose the other option, which is also known as OFF.

I made sure that Peter and David's belly knew exactly where the delay came from. Then Tom starting screaming his head off. As Angie went to feed The Mouth, I thought of how lucky Tom is that boobs don't have complicated dials and those damn tricky on-off switches. Otherwise, the poor kid might be forced to bite the heads off of bats to survive.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When we played piranha in the bath.
David: When I play Mama as the hippo in the water.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When we couldn't be on the right spot for shampoo.
David: 'Cause Christoph bit me.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To go in the bath and make a bubble bath.
David: When I go to zoo mit Mama.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Sorry in Red

There are a couple of interesting things to point out in this picture. The first and most obvious is the red crayon marks on the wall behind little Picasso Jr. You can also see water marks where Papa scrubbed for ten minutes trying to destroy the young artist's creative canvas. Next you will notice what appears to be a sad little boy getting scolded by his Papa. The scolding happened, for sure, but I know David and he is no sad little boy. In his head, I am quite sure that instead of asking forgiveness, his question was 'I wonder if that toy truck on the floor there can break glass?'

Why, you might ask, would I leave David alone with a red crayon. Good question, but I would still tell you to butt out and mind your own hooligans. The truth is, I did not know he had a red crayon.

We were making a welcome home sign for Mama and David's job was to color the 'WELCOME' letters. David frantically tore apart the crayon container which, I might add, is normally under lock and key and tucked away in the oven so that nobody, including Angie, would ever find them. [Author note: for the wee-minded, I do not really store crayons in the oven; the joke here is that Angie does not cook] David was absolutely crushed when he could not find his FAVORITE color red. I told him to just sit there and went off to search for a red crayon.

As soon as I left the room, David giggled, reached in his pocket and whipped out La Crayola Roja and proceeded with his indoor graffiti. How do I know all these details? Because Peter told me. He continued to color his nice little 'HOME' section blue and green as he spilled the beans on his little brother. It turns out he is not only a rat, he's also an accomplice.

Grams and Opa picked up Peter and David. I went to pick up Angie and Tom for the big homecoming and on my way into the hospital I noticed a sign that I had not seen on any of my previous adrenaline-rushed visits.

Even without the translation, you can clearly see that inline skating is not allowed. I might remind you that this is a maternity hospital. What kind of sick pregno-mom shows up to deliver wearing a pair of roller blades and a helmet?

I broke the tragic news to Angie that she would not be allowed to roller skate home and packed up all the nice gifts and toys that Tom had received and that David will surely be breaking in the very near future.

Before getting into the car, I tried to brace Angie for the shock of seeing the house after leaving it in my incapable hands for six days. She smiled nervously and got into the car. I didn't smile and nervously got into the car. It was a quiet ride home.

I had strategically placed the 'Welcome Home!' sign directly as you walk in to help soften the blow. It didn't work. The aftermath of a hurricane won't look any sweeter by placing a sugar cane on top of the destruction.

As Angie scolded me, my face drooped and I could only think of poor David. My eyes drifted slowly to the floor until something caught my attention. 'Hey! I wonder if that rubber band could be used to build a kick-ass slingshot?'
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I saw that Mama come home and, oh yeah, Tom, too.
David: When Mama come home mit that new baby. Tom.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When Carol hurt herself over her eye.
David: When I have boogars in my nose.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To go to Dalia's - she's going to pick me up.
David: When I go'ed mit Mama sleep and read a book.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Bored and Boreder

I don't think it was that David found Tom to be boring. David has been fighting a cold and the medicine had him tuckered out and rubbing his eyes. Tom can be slightly unspectacular, though. Eating, sleeping and shitting, with a little burping and crying may be a cool way for Celine Dion to spend her weekend, but it makes you incredibly dull for those people staring at you. Even here, it appears like Tom is boring the hell out of...well, Tom.

The morning started out with the dishwasher repairman finally coming to fix good ole Angie II. It was not exactly thrilling to watch the repairman dismantle our other baby and flood the kitchen floor, so instead I got Peter ready for kindergarten.

It was his first day back since Tom broke loose, so I printed off a nice picture in case any untrusting teachers thought Peter was playing hooky. When asked later what his classmates thought of the picture, Peter told me 'cool'. Wow, four whole letters. Can't wait to see the poetry and prose they will be reciting next year.

Peter mentioned to me today that it was funny that Mama was no longer a 'Belly Bird'. He then explained - 'it's like Big Bird, and because her belly was so big, it was a Belly Bird. Get it?' Oh, I got it and cracked my ass up. I, along with Angie I'm sure, am really going to miss all the prego cracks, so this one came as an unexpected but very welcome afterjoke.

I spent the rest of the day racing around to stores, pharmacies, kindergartens, and our home trying to get everything ready for Angie's homecoming. By the time I made it back to the hospital to say goodnight to Angie and Tom, got home, fed the kids, tucked them into bed and drank one beer and four bottles of whiskey, I was exhausted. David may have the eye rubbing down pat and Tom might be able to patent that yawn of his, but I definitely had the snoring covered.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I played with David and Tom.
David: When I go'ed mit Mama in there.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When you went upstairs and I started crying in the car.
David: When I cry 'cause I bonk and fall down.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To go to Grams & Opa and to see that Carol again.
David: When I go to Grams and Opa and Carol.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Tom and Jerry

Peter had a bunny, which was fitting since he likes carrots, hopping around a lot, and he has big ears that he likes tugging on. David had a pig, which is fitting in too many ways to list here. Grams, like Bush, is 'the decider' when it comes to these stuffed animal giveaways and she has decided to give Tom a mouse. There is nothing really funny about this, other than the fact that I was actually able to compare Grams to Bush.

I woke up and got the boys ready for their BIG DAY with Grams & Opa. BIG DAY being the covert name of the operation to allow me to go and watch Tom while Angie showers. We should have called the operation WAY OVERDUE.

At some point in the night, the doctors came in and removed all of the tubes from Angie. Unlike most of today's MTV stars, Angie was much better 'unplugged'. Released from those rubber leashes, Angie raced straight for the shower. By racing, I mean twenty minutes to stand up and another fifteen to make it to the showers. At least Stinky Gonzalez didn't have anyone there to laugh and point at her. Oh, yeah, that's right. She did.

Angie soaked away while I entertained Tom. Without two boobs, this proved to be a little challening, but somehow I managed. Just so you know, the whole 'hand-in-your-armpit-farting' is hilarious, just not with 3-day olds.

Tom had a checkup today and the doctor passed him with flying colors. I am a little torn here, though. I mean, should we really be judging Tom as a 3-day old? By my calcualtor, that kid was supposed to be here on the 18th, so shouldn't we be testing for a 14-day old baby? Don't answer that, it's called a hypothetical.

I went to pick up Peter and David from Grams and Opa and went to see Mom and Tom. Mom and Tom rhymes, something that Peter the Brain was quick to point out. Steve and awesome rhyme as well, depending on how you pronounce them. Man, I should be charging you people for such wit and humor. Keeping with the whole Grams-Bush analogy, I would have to say that Grams would be the wit. Bush would be have to be the humor, because come on, he can be pretty damn funny. At least a lot of people laugh at him.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When Rob come and when you said Mom and Tom, that rhyme.
David: When I cuddled mit Mama read a book.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I couldn't sleep by Grams & Opa.
David: When I go'ed Mama and machine.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To go to the kindergarten.
David: Read a book mit Peter.