Saturday, April 30, 2011

Home Alone, Day Three: Happy Meals

It's a well-known fact that Sami has what I would call 'alternative' methods when it comes to teaching my boys new things. It's also a well-known fact that 'alternative' is just a fancy French way of saying 'What? Are you freakin' insane? Why the hell are you teaching my kids to pile-dive David?'. Among the things that Sami doesn't understand, French is apparently one of them.

Sami called this morning and asked if it would be okay for him and Katherina to stop by with Lauri. I said no problem, hung up the phone, and started cursing like the sailor I used to be.

See, Angie has been gone for more than 24 hours and what she lacks in culinary flair she actually does make up for in housekeeping capabilities. Ones that, for various reasons stemming from early childhood, I am lacking. To put it simpler, the place looked like shit and Sami was coming over with Angie's hand-planted spy, better known as K, who was certain to report back to A with glee that S had completely trashed the place. Again.

I vacuumed, mopped, dusted AND put the toilet seat down, just to make sure that K's report to A was a favorable one. As I paused to wipe the sweat off of my brow, the doorbell rang. Sami walked in with Lauri and immediately took notice.

'You cleaned? Man, she's got you trained.'

'Where the hell is Katherina?'

'Oh, she, uh, decided to stay at home.'

'Home? What do you mean home? Why did she do that? She was supposed to come over.'

'Well, you know, we just had two birthday parties last week and
she needed a little 'me' time.'

'So she kicked your ass out.'

'Let's fire up the grill!'

My stomach told me to ignore Sami's pathetic attempt at trying to change the subject. Instead, it commanded me to throw burgers on the grill and gulp a beer. Thank you, sir - may I have another?

Sami's unique art of coaching and mentoring didn't stop with lessons on how to crush a fellow human being. On orders from my stomach, I made a second trip to the fridge. When I returned, I discovered that Sami had taught the boys how to make happy meals.

Ladder Talk:
[Tom crashed and snored before we could get to Ladder Talk]
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: That we grilled today.
David: That Peter lost in getting dressed.
Tom: zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: That I lost by checkmate.
David: That Peter tried winning by the checkmate, but you, Papa, let him not.
Tom: zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: Have roasted marshmallows by Opa.
David: Play checkmate and do the marshmallows in the fire.
Tom: zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Friday, April 29, 2011

Home Alone, Day Two: Toys-R-Loud

Day two started out quietly. Well, as quietly as is inhumanly possible with three animals, abandoned by their mother and clearly instructed to drive their father freakin' insane. After a healthy dose of chocolate cereal and jelly beans, I was backed into a corner and growled at. When I saw teeth, my survival instincts kicked in.

'Right, shoes on - we're going to Toys-R-Us.'

My brain should really be donated to medical science for fathers everywhere to study and admire. The boys laced up in record time and almost ran over Sebastian, who had come up to see if Peter and David could play.

'No, we're going to the toys, they're all mine, outta the way!'

After explaining to David what would happen if he didn't stop shaking and calm down, he turned and raced down the steps, giggling like a mad man and screaming 'you never catch me, Papa!'.

As I contemplated whether Angie would notice if I happened to lose one of our children, Sebastian asked where Angie was. Without pausing, Tom explained.

'Mama went to eat chickens.'

Peter and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. Apparently, Mr. Big Ears has heard us talking about Mama's trip to Turkey and simply accepted without question that she had ditched her family to go off on a four-day poultry binge. I chuckled for another minute and made a mental note to break out the globe with Tommy.

Toys-R-Loud was great. Great in the sense that nobody got arrested, but it pretty much stopped there. [Note Tommy's shirt: NOTHING CAN STOP ME]

I did gain an admittedly reluctant respect for Angie, who somehow manages to control twenty of these funny creatures called 'kids' every day. It does explain the occasional screaming matches with our plants and why she sometimes spends an entire night telling jokes to the canned vegetables in our pantry.

After escaping with only a major dent to my credit card, I rounded up the animals and headed home for feeding time. After exchanging a couple of one-sided knock-knock jokes, I grabbed a can of corn to compliment - you guessed it - a roasted chicken.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: That we go to Toys-R-Us.
David: That we go on the playground with Artin.
Tom: I was go playground.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: I didn't have a worst part.
David: That Peter grab me on the shirt and I fall down.
Tom: I cry 'cause I can not with play.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: I want to play BeyBlades.
David: I want my Gormiti eggs to hatch.
Tom: Then pick a story out.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Home Alone, Day One

Angie nudged me awake at 4:00 this morning. As romantic as that might sound, it was only to make a cup of coffee so that Master would not crash and snore on her way to the airport. See, Dil is getting married on Saturday and she apparently thought the wedding needed more planners. I just hope that she did not envision catering, preparing hors d'oeuvres, or anything remotely related to cooking. Dil reads the blog, though, so at least she has been forewarned.

After kicking Angie's caffeinated ass out the door, I lamented her departure by drooling on my pillow for another four hours. When I awoke, I found that Peter and David had already risen, shined, and decided to build a 'super-mega-cool fort-castle-cave' using all of the covers and pillows they could find.

Angie had been so paranoid about being away from the boys for four days. I'm not sure if her trepidation arose from not being with them or whether it stemmed from the fact that I would be with them. Luckily, I don't give a shit. Still, I thought a pulse-check was warranted.

'Hey guys, Mama left this morning for Turkey. She'll be back in four days, but until then, it's just us men. Are you with me?'

At first, nobody said anything. I thought I saw Peter's lip quiver, but before I could console him, David declared his emotions.

'Hey, cool!! Mama's gone! We can use her blanket and pillow for the cave 'cause she need them not!'

[Note to Mama: I'm sure they miss you, just in their own special way.]
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: That I sleep by Arman.
David: That we can go tomorrow by Toy-R-Us.
Tom: We got on ice-cream eating.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: That David kicked me in the eye.
David: That I kicked Peter in the eye.
Tom: David kick in Peter's eye.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: Go to Toys-R-Us.
David: I want to kick Peter in the eye again.
Tom: We go Toy-R-Us playing.