Down with books!

I am not sure what the books on the middle shelf did to piss off David, but he sure showed them. I am sure that somewhere in his tiny brain lies a perfectly justifiable explanation, but like the whole OJ thing, we will never know for sure.

After clearing the shelves of aggression, David decided to move into the bathroom. For a change, I listened to the voices in my head and followed the hostile librarian to see what was next on his mental list of things to destroy.

As it turned out, David wanted to empty his bath toys into the empty bath. I said no. He cried. Angie came running.

David changed his tune quickly and explained to gullible Mama that he only wanted one toy and mean old Papa was being a mean old meany. Angie stared at me briefly and gave him the toy. David then turned to me and gave me the ultimate smug look of victory.

Instead of walking away, David smiled at me and said 'I stink, Papa'. Before I could blink, Angie walked past me and told me to change him. I glared at him and he just grinned contently.

I threw him on the changing table, undid his diaper and the little shit peed on me. As if that were not enough, he laughed at me. If he wasn't two, I would say that he was being very immature.

As I picked up the pile of books, I saw some that taught children how to use the toilet. Other books told kids of the fun you can have cleaning up your room. What I really needed at that point, though, was a book to show parents how to regain dignity after your book bashing, smug kid pees on you and then laughs. Until that one is written, beer works.
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1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I played with Sebastian and Marie and play that trick with the cards - there's nothing in it then the picture is wrong and something is inside.
David: When Sebastian and Marie come and I won.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I tried to go on the bed and Sebastian pushed me out of the bed and I hit the floor.
David: When Gizma scratch.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To play with you that monkey game.
David: When I go Grams and Opa.

David vs. the caterpillar

Disgusto Angie found a slimy little bug in our salad growing in the garden and decided to teach our kids that it's perfectly ok to pick up creepy crawlies. Captain Dave must be a fisherman at heart, for he immediately tried to hook the bait. Luckily for Angie's hand, the Capt'n has not yet graduated from the rubber hook.

At breakfast today, I poured a cup of coffee using Peter's mug. I have two - each one has a picture of me with one of them, as babies. David immediately demanded to know why I was using Peter's cup and not his. Oh, jealousy starts at such a young age. Having just changed a rather stinky diaper, I really wanted to tell him it's because you don't use the toilet like a big boy, but I restrained myself and told him the truth - that his cup was dirty and Papa was too much of a lazy bastard to wash a mug.

Today I started a very short-lived game of indoor dodge ball. Angie was off getting poked at her preggy-puncture class, so I thought I would entertain the boys by pegging them in the head with some inflatable plastic. As it turned out, it was more entertaining for me than for them. After ten minutes of 'ow, Papa, that hurts' and 'my nose stings', I simply gave up. If they don't know how to have fun, it's not my fault.

Before dinner, Angie played Curious George with Peter. My thoughts drifted slightly and I found myself thinking about what a dumbass the Man with the Yellow hat is. I mean, come on! Every freakin' story starts out with some absurd scenario and the man telling George 'stay here and don't get into any trouble'. First of all, it's a monkey. Hello? Do you really expect a primate to sit still just because you tell them to? Even if the man was stupid enough to do it once, why does he continue to do it over and over again? Aren't we just teaching the kids to treat anyone wearing a yellow hat like a moron?

During dinner, David started the most disgusting display of noodle-eating I have ever seen in my entire life. It was like watching a car wreck in fast motion. I could not take my eyes off of him. He did things to those poor noodles that will haunt me in my nightmares for years. My only consolation was that Disgusto Angie now pales by comparison.
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1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: My best part from today was when I play with Mama Curious George and the Man with the Yellow Hat.
David: Peter look TV.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When David said 'I want to hit you' and then later when he peed all over the floor.
David: When I bonk a shark so bonky my head.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To play that crocodile game.
David: When Dalia come back and Dalia come back.

Boys-R-Us

'Security - we have two suspects, potentially dangerous, fleeing the scene on what appears to be tractors...'

I had the brilliant idea today of taking the boys somewhere fun, free, and protected from the dark clouds promising rain at any moment. First of all, fun for who? Second, what the hell was I thinking with 'free' at a toy store? Third, it did not rain - the clouds parted and the sun came out. Thanks, Mr. Sunshine - why don't you go burn yourself?

We had fun anyway, if you take me out of the equation. The boys raced around like a bunch of kids let loose in a toy story. Yes, that was intentional.

I thought I said the word 'no' quite often enough during a normal day with the boys. At a toy store, you can take that figure and multiple it by the number of times you get 'that look' from other parents where they suggest with their eyes that your kids might be a little out of control. Then double it and you have half of the number of times I said 'no' today. I never said that math would not be a part of reading this blog.

Peter kept running around the store with a plastic pistol telling people to 'Freak or I will shoot!'I think little Einstein meant 'freeze', but he was too busy making other shoppers get their freak on for me to ask him.

Our shopping frenzy obviously worked up an appetite and for dinner the Peter & David gang chowed down. With a belly full of cooked food, I thought the boys were sure to go to sleep without any problems. Silly me and my thoughts.

I went through the entire bedtime routine and at the end, the boys were more or less asleep. As it turned out for David, it was less, not more. I was in the living room massaging Angie's back or feeding her grapes or some other really awesome husbandy thing to do when I heard a blood curdling scream. My cat-like reflexes kicked in and I raced into their bedroom.

I picked up on two things straightaway. First, Peter was screaming his head off. Ok, the yelling was obvious from a block away, but at least the who was clarified. The second thing I picked up on was a little more subtle. It was David, whispering over and over 'Peter, there's a spider in your bed...there's a spider in your bed...'

I don't know what is funnier - the fact that David is already tormenting Peter or that Peter believes anything that David says. Given those choices, though, it is funny either way. I certainly cracked up. Peter did not.

I finally got Peter calmed down and reassured him that there were no spiders in his bed. Next, I yelled at David to shut his instigator and get some sleep. As I waited for the snoring sounds which is normally my cue to leave, I thought about my sisters. Man, I tormented the hell out of them, so I can certainly see where David might get it. I never tried the whole 'there's a spider in your bed...' angle, though. I'll have to keep that in mind next time they visit...
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1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I went with you to the playgroup with my mommy.
David: When I lola lola lola.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When we went to playgroup and we couldn't stay there 'cause I wanted to play the computer but other kids wanted to play computer too and I was standing there saying nothing all the time and I turned around and this boy said there said hi to this kid, but it was a lady, and she just - her name was Anna - then I was just standing there again and the boy was playing computer and then I couldn't play.
David: When Gizma scratch me.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To play the lion game.
David: Dora dora please.