Sorry in Red

There are a couple of interesting things to point out in this picture. The first and most obvious is the red crayon marks on the wall behind little Picasso Jr. You can also see water marks where Papa scrubbed for ten minutes trying to destroy the young artist's creative canvas. Next you will notice what appears to be a sad little boy getting scolded by his Papa. The scolding happened, for sure, but I know David and he is no sad little boy. In his head, I am quite sure that instead of asking forgiveness, his question was 'I wonder if that toy truck on the floor there can break glass?'

Why, you might ask, would I leave David alone with a red crayon. Good question, but I would still tell you to butt out and mind your own hooligans. The truth is, I did not know he had a red crayon.

We were making a welcome home sign for Mama and David's job was to color the 'WELCOME' letters. David frantically tore apart the crayon container which, I might add, is normally under lock and key and tucked away in the oven so that nobody, including Angie, would ever find them. [Author note: for the wee-minded, I do not really store crayons in the oven; the joke here is that Angie does not cook] David was absolutely crushed when he could not find his FAVORITE color red. I told him to just sit there and went off to search for a red crayon.

As soon as I left the room, David giggled, reached in his pocket and whipped out La Crayola Roja and proceeded with his indoor graffiti. How do I know all these details? Because Peter told me. He continued to color his nice little 'HOME' section blue and green as he spilled the beans on his little brother. It turns out he is not only a rat, he's also an accomplice.

Grams and Opa picked up Peter and David. I went to pick up Angie and Tom for the big homecoming and on my way into the hospital I noticed a sign that I had not seen on any of my previous adrenaline-rushed visits.

Even without the translation, you can clearly see that inline skating is not allowed. I might remind you that this is a maternity hospital. What kind of sick pregno-mom shows up to deliver wearing a pair of roller blades and a helmet?

I broke the tragic news to Angie that she would not be allowed to roller skate home and packed up all the nice gifts and toys that Tom had received and that David will surely be breaking in the very near future.

Before getting into the car, I tried to brace Angie for the shock of seeing the house after leaving it in my incapable hands for six days. She smiled nervously and got into the car. I didn't smile and nervously got into the car. It was a quiet ride home.

I had strategically placed the 'Welcome Home!' sign directly as you walk in to help soften the blow. It didn't work. The aftermath of a hurricane won't look any sweeter by placing a sugar cane on top of the destruction.

As Angie scolded me, my face drooped and I could only think of poor David. My eyes drifted slowly to the floor until something caught my attention. 'Hey! I wonder if that rubber band could be used to build a kick-ass slingshot?'
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Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I saw that Mama come home and, oh yeah, Tom, too.
David: When Mama come home mit that new baby. Tom.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When Carol hurt herself over her eye.
David: When I have boogars in my nose.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To go to Dalia's - she's going to pick me up.
David: When I go'ed mit Mama sleep and read a book.

Bored and Boreder

I don't think it was that David found Tom to be boring. David has been fighting a cold and the medicine had him tuckered out and rubbing his eyes. Tom can be slightly unspectacular, though. Eating, sleeping and shitting, with a little burping and crying may be a cool way for Celine Dion to spend her weekend, but it makes you incredibly dull for those people staring at you. Even here, it appears like Tom is boring the hell out of...well, Tom.

The morning started out with the dishwasher repairman finally coming to fix good ole Angie II. It was not exactly thrilling to watch the repairman dismantle our other baby and flood the kitchen floor, so instead I got Peter ready for kindergarten.

It was his first day back since Tom broke loose, so I printed off a nice picture in case any untrusting teachers thought Peter was playing hooky. When asked later what his classmates thought of the picture, Peter told me 'cool'. Wow, four whole letters. Can't wait to see the poetry and prose they will be reciting next year.

Peter mentioned to me today that it was funny that Mama was no longer a 'Belly Bird'. He then explained - 'it's like Big Bird, and because her belly was so big, it was a Belly Bird. Get it?' Oh, I got it and cracked my ass up. I, along with Angie I'm sure, am really going to miss all the prego cracks, so this one came as an unexpected but very welcome afterjoke.

I spent the rest of the day racing around to stores, pharmacies, kindergartens, and our home trying to get everything ready for Angie's homecoming. By the time I made it back to the hospital to say goodnight to Angie and Tom, got home, fed the kids, tucked them into bed and drank one beer and four bottles of whiskey, I was exhausted. David may have the eye rubbing down pat and Tom might be able to patent that yawn of his, but I definitely had the snoring covered.
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Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I played with David and Tom.
David: When I go'ed mit Mama in there.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When you went upstairs and I started crying in the car.
David: When I cry 'cause I bonk and fall down.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To go to Grams & Opa and to see that Carol again.
David: When I go to Grams and Opa and Carol.

Tom and Jerry

Peter had a bunny, which was fitting since he likes carrots, hopping around a lot, and he has big ears that he likes tugging on. David had a pig, which is fitting in too many ways to list here. Grams, like Bush, is 'the decider' when it comes to these stuffed animal giveaways and she has decided to give Tom a mouse. There is nothing really funny about this, other than the fact that I was actually able to compare Grams to Bush.

I woke up and got the boys ready for their BIG DAY with Grams & Opa. BIG DAY being the covert name of the operation to allow me to go and watch Tom while Angie showers. We should have called the operation WAY OVERDUE.

At some point in the night, the doctors came in and removed all of the tubes from Angie. Unlike most of today's MTV stars, Angie was much better 'unplugged'. Released from those rubber leashes, Angie raced straight for the shower. By racing, I mean twenty minutes to stand up and another fifteen to make it to the showers. At least Stinky Gonzalez didn't have anyone there to laugh and point at her. Oh, yeah, that's right. She did.

Angie soaked away while I entertained Tom. Without two boobs, this proved to be a little challening, but somehow I managed. Just so you know, the whole 'hand-in-your-armpit-farting' is hilarious, just not with 3-day olds.

Tom had a checkup today and the doctor passed him with flying colors. I am a little torn here, though. I mean, should we really be judging Tom as a 3-day old? By my calcualtor, that kid was supposed to be here on the 18th, so shouldn't we be testing for a 14-day old baby? Don't answer that, it's called a hypothetical.

I went to pick up Peter and David from Grams and Opa and went to see Mom and Tom. Mom and Tom rhymes, something that Peter the Brain was quick to point out. Steve and awesome rhyme as well, depending on how you pronounce them. Man, I should be charging you people for such wit and humor. Keeping with the whole Grams-Bush analogy, I would have to say that Grams would be the wit. Bush would be have to be the humor, because come on, he can be pretty damn funny. At least a lot of people laugh at him.
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Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When Rob come and when you said Mom and Tom, that rhyme.
David: When I cuddled mit Mama read a book.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I couldn't sleep by Grams & Opa.
David: When I go'ed Mama and machine.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To go to the kindergarten.
David: Read a book mit Peter.