Hey man, nice shot!

You can shoot the sheriff. You can shoot the deputy. You can even shoot the happy little reggae prisoners smoking funny cigars, just stop pointing that damn twig at me!

This morning, Peter discovered how to hit the air freshener button. This is good, especially considering the big smells that can come from small packages. This is not good, however, when you are Papa and you wake up completely robbed of oxygen that has been replaced by the gagging smells of 'Ocean Breeze'.

I came home from work to find a devastated Angie almost in tears. Let me just make a general statement to the jackhole on Crackbook who wrote that Angie 'got fat'. Go impregnate yourself. Then you will know the difference between being pregnant and being fat. Angie is neither and I am quiet certain that no more pregographs will end up on her page.

In the evening we got the boys settled in bed and Angie and I sat down for our normal two and a half minutes of 'us' time. At this point, Tom got extremely jealous of our excessive time hogging and started hyperventilating. There is no way to describe what happened next other than 'awesome'.

I looked over to see why Tom was breathing so excitedly. He waited until Mama came closer to check on him, and then he launched the most incredible booger out of his nose. It catapulted across the room in a perfect arc and landed smack on Mama's arm. Hey man, nice shot!
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Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When Barbara come.
David: When I go'ed Peter kindergarten.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I can't do the bath, but tomorrow before we do anything, we're going to do a long bath all the way to the night.
David: When I want the other net but Peter take it.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To go in the sea.
David: When me and Peter and you and Rob go swim with Pop-pop.

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Or would you rather be a fish?

Babies can't stink. At least, this was my naive assumption before having three boys. I can now confirm that not only do they reek, but they also like to pee in the tub. Last week, the midwife recommended waiting several more weeks before giving a bath and suggested using moist cloth towels to keep Pig-Pen clean. She also suggested using diapers made out of bio-degradable hemp, but she was probably just high. I am sure if we just let our kids go and hug those nice smelling trees, they would never need a bath, but selfish little me does not like to gag.

One quick side note - in researching this entry, I could not remember Pig-Pen's name so I googled it. Let me say two things:

1) If you ever need to conduct a similar search, you need to include more search words than just "dirty" and "snoopy"
2) There are some sick, twisted people out there.

Speaking of sick and twisted people, Peter and David went to the dentist today. The drill freak followed my modus operandi and bribed the kids into submission with the promise of a toy if they behaved well. Oddly enough, they did, and twenty minutes later, my well-behaved hooligans each got a rubber fish to play with.

Yippee, doc. Whoopee. Yee-haw. Let's go ride them...fish. Fish?! Cut back on the nitrous oxide and invest in some wind-up dinosaurs or transformer bugs. Come on, rubber fish?

The kids loved them anyway. Especially David. He petted his, licked it, and carried it around for almost an hour before shoving it in a tiny tube at the local bakery. Unlike the fresh rolls, there was no way of getting the fish out of there. I tried looking at the bright side and saw it as a way for David to learn to stop shoving things where they don't belong. David looked at the dark side and saw it as a way to test out his lungs. They work, by the bye.

Peter quickly picked up on his little brother's sad predicament and seemed genuinely concerned. 'Aw, Davey lost his fish? That's too bad, because I still have mine and it is SO much FUN to play with. If I lost my fish, I would really be sad and cry'. To that, let me just say two things:

1) If your kid ever conducts a similar taunt, you need to include more disciplinary statements than just 'good one, Peter' and 'man, that was so funny'
2) There are some strict, humorless moms out there.
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Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I was excited for the bath.
David: When Ruaidhri come, ok?

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I couldn't do a bath.
David: Christoph bite my finger, ok?

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To go to the zoo.
David: I go'ed mit Mama and you and Peter and Dalia in your house, ok?

Creamed!

David was sick all last night and did not go to kindergarten, ok? In the morning, Mama was feeding Tom in the living room and everything was quiet, ok? At some point, David apparently started feeling better, ok? Mama turned to find David covered in white stuff shouting 'boo!', ok? Mama screamed and began chasing David throughout the apartment, ok?

The white stuff is actually for diaper rashes. For those lucky bastards without little kids, this stuff is like tar mixed with crazy glue. It does not come off easily so for the rest of the day, David had a certain Michael Jackson glow about him.

In addition to learning how to gain Mama's freak-out attention, David also began ending every sentence with ok? My only guess is that he must have a Canadian in his class, eh? I can only hope that this irritating quirk rubs off sooner than the butt cream he spread all over his hands, face, and most of our apartment by the time Mama caught him. I suppose it is better than 'dude', although 'Where's my car, ok?' would be just as annoying.

While David was busy dripping gooey ointment all over the place, Peter was getting in some trouble of his own. He was in art class with the general assumption that he would be making art, in some form or fashion. Art is in the eye of the beholder, but I think even the beholder would not see any creative flair in wadding up spitballs and trying to peg the nice, low-hanging chandelier in the classroom.

He is normally quite interested in art class, but today his friend Ruaidhri joined and Peter´s self-proclaimed desire to be the class clown got the better of him. At least he had the decency to make his mess outside of the house. Hey David, maybe you could learn a little something from your brother, ok?
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Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I played with Ruaidhri.
David: When Ruaidhri came by and when Ruaidhri mommy comes, ok?

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When David didn't go to kindergarten.
David: When I go not in kindergarten, ok?

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To go to Dalia's and play with her.
David: When I go'ed mit you and me and Peter swimming with animals, ok?

see related cartoon