Friday, April 24, 2009

Family planning

I always wondered how much testosterone could fit on our balcony. Now I know. Thanks, Ullie. It was like a reunion of the Brady Bunch, only Ullie brought three boys instead of girls. In the end, it was more like a back-to-back episode of My Three Sons.

Ullie spent the afternoon flaunting her swollen belly and trying to lure Angie into getting pregnafied, too. I say Angie, not 'us' because I realize I have absolutely no choice in this matter. Before you ask, I do know how the birds and the bees operate. Birds crap on your head and if you're sexy enough, bees sting you in the freakin' ring finger!

I mentioned in the last blog that I was busy at work with my planning for 2009. I also promised to deliver our family goals and objectives for this year. I included one overall objective for the family and a few objectives per animal. Enjoy. Or not.

The Johnson Family
Family ID number: J-2003 (the year when my ankle met the ball and chain)
Overall objective: Family Planning
In 2009, our main family objective - to quit procreating. Even God stopped after one son.

Angie Johnson
Family ID number: J-1921 (the year Betty Crocker was born)
Main Objective: Cooking
Your cooking objective this year will comprise of 70% on-the-job, 20% classroom, and 10% coaching/mentoring.
On-the-job: You will dedicate 70% of the time currently spent glued to those shitty soaps and hospital drama shows to watching the cooking channel. Before you ask, yes - there is such a thing.
Classroom: You will attend a course focusing on one of the following topics: fire-safety, fire-prevention, operating a fire extinguisher, or creating effective fire evacuation plans.
Coaching/mentoring: You will spend a total of 15 nights in the kitchen massaging the chef's shoulders while paying careful attention to his culinary expertise, to include laughing at his witty jokes and delivering beer when he snaps twice.

Peter Johnson
Family ID number: J-2004 (when the April fool was pranked)
Objective 1: Whistling
Your objective this year will be to not rob Papa of his button and purpose in life by learning how to whistle. Oops! There goes part of your bonus...

Objective 2: Tie your shoes
Ok, Whistleboat Petey, you can blow tunes. Can you tie your shoes? Velcro doesn't count, either, so don't even go there.

Objective 3: Ride a skateboard
I once broke my arm on a skateboard and even though I love your arms, you need to learn how to balance pain and the joys of a cast.

David Johnson
Family ID number: J-2006 (when Destructo Dave began his wrath)
Objective 1: Stop crapping your pants
Simple enough.

Objective 2: Quit breaking shit
Simple enough.

Objective 3: Learn to swim
If you have no fear of anything - simple enough.

Thomas Johnson
Family ID number: J-2008
Objective 1: Stop breastfeeding
I'm not a jealous man, but come on - quit being a baby about the whole thing. Besides, it would be nice to have the ladies back.

Objective 2: Figure our what your legs do
I'm not picky - walking, crawling, scooching - all ok.

Objective 3: Speak
I don't care, as long as you say 'Papa' first. You could also say 'not Mama' and I would still give you credit.

You might look at this family planning and wonder where my picture and goals are. I might even answer that question, but it's my blog. Start your own if you want to make fun of me. Yes, I'm talking to you, Johnny. Until then, I would advise all of you out there without families to start planning - there's a fine line between shit and happens.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I played sheep.
David: When Peter is a sheep and he acts like baa-baaa and then when he again makes likes this.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I wanted to stay home but then I go to kindergarten and play something.
David: When I want to stay here but then we go'ed in kindergarten and then came Mama and I say 'Mama'.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To play sheep.
David: When George and Alex come here again.


  1. I note the absence of your objectives, Steve? I suggest greater efforts in Angie-baiting. :)

  2. semioticghosts: That is a clear and ever present objective in this blog. I am shooting for an overachievement, but somehow I don't think Angie will fork out a fat bonus for reaching my goal.