Thursday, April 23, 2009

Whistler's Baby

Peter can be such an inconsiderate jerk sometimes. I have spent the last five years of his existence trying to find the perfect button to irritate, embarrass, and upset him to tears. At some point, I hit the jackpot with his inability to whistle. Since then, I have helped this button evolve; I fed it on a regular basis, I got it dressed each day and took it for walks, I pushed it when it needed's really what has kept me sane through all these years with Angie. The fact that she hated the button made it even more attractive to me. Today, unthoughtful Peter killed my precious button with a simple puckering of his lips during dessert. Yes, today he learned to whistle. That's great, son! What do you want, an ice-cream?

After a few hours of crying and banging my head on the wall in search of a new button, I came to grips with reality. My button was gone and I would simply have to find a new way of tormenting the kid. I am, after all, a realist and in the end, I even acknowledged Peter's milestone. Pretty cool, buddy. I hate you.

At work I have been busy setting this year's goals and objectives for my team. Since my little button thief accomplished one of his unwritten goals for this year, I will be publishing my mental family plan soon before Angie learns to cook or David stops crapping his pants. If Tom figures out what to do with his useless legs, I'm going to be so livid.

To add insult to thievery, David actually did use the toilet on his own today. We have tried countless bribes in the past, but our latest campaign seems to be working. He gets a baby sticker for his calendar if he pees on his own and a really big sticker if he makes a really big stinker. My nose can confirm that today he earned a really big sticker.

Speaking of milestones, family planning and cute little buttons with big smells, Kika's belly finally popped today and the balloon she has been blowing up for nine months was finally named.

Lauri Maximilian is certainly a cute button and only appears slightly blurry here. Luckily, he gets his looks from mom, which explains the cute part. The blurry bit comes from dad, or at least dad's phone camera, which was used to take this photo because someone forgot to bring the real camera. 'Cause, come on - why the hell would that have been a good thing to pack?

Sorry, I know I am being an ass, but Peter stole my button today; I am a little edgy.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I whistled.
David: When I go'ed poo-poo on the big toilet so now I get a big sticker.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I'm sick.
David: When I cry when Peter hit me with his sword.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To play pirates.
David: We play crocodile, or maybe dragon or fire-where bird.

see related cartoon


  1. Suggestions for new buttons:
    - unicycle
    - get Angie to scream within one second of starting the attempt
    - blow bubble gum bubbles bigger than his head

    (You could turns this into a competition?)

  2. semioticghosts: all very good buttons, except:
    - unicycle: like motorcycles, my boys will only ride them when they are no longer living under my roof and when they have an income high enough to pay for the hospital bills
    - getting Angie to scream: I'm saving that one for David; he's more suited for the task
    - blow bubbles: after his first ten attempts at doing this and inadvertently shooting the gum out of his mouth, I made a rule that any objective can not result in Papa cleaning sticky, gooey crap from the carpet.

    Good ideas, but the search continues...