Saturday, August 29, 2009

Who the HELL gave David a hammer?

If you look closely and you're not blind, you will see that there are actually two boxes. The one on top is empty. The one on the bottom is not. David was beating the crap out of the top box with a meat tenderizer. Enough foreshadowing for you?

Yes, Destructo Dave proved his namesake yet again. After finishing his cute little bashing frenzy on the first box, unsupervised Davey went completely ballistic on the second one. For the memory-challenged readers, the second box was the one with the undented IKEA furniture anxiously waiting to be built before some kid with a meat hammer discovered it. Honey, why is David giggling and who gave him a weapon?

But I get ahead of myself. Before the Tale of Two Boxes came the story of the kindergarten Prince and his pyjama sunrise with la Principessa.

Chiara and Peter woke up this morning and played cards. Cute - makes you want to gag, but cute. Alessio woke up and there was no getting that boy's stomach away from the table. Uh, how do you say 'tapeworm' in Italian? David woke up with bed-head and probably just sat there thinking 'hey, what could I destroy with a meat hammer if Mama and Papa were stupid enough to let me have one?'

Breakfast made Mama's brain sleepy enough to think that she could lay down for a five minute snooze.

It's not surprising that David was the one who volunteered to jump on Mama's head and yank her ear to confirm what a stupid idea that was. What is alarming, though, is the tiny blur in the background. Tom had found a stick with a ball on the end of it and for some reason began re-enacting the Korean convenience store scene from 'Falling Down' all over Mama's legs. In a tag-team match, I think David would pick Tom.

After a good Mama-lashing, nothing hits the spot more than five minutes in the cooler.

Okay, I am not even going to try and explain this one. I can tell you, though, that I will not be eating any of the cold cuts.

Tom's freaky eating habits were not restricted to the privacy of our own home. At IKEA, Tommy Tarzan publicly wowed the shopping world with his new banana trick.

When Tom does stupid things like this, three things normally follow. First, David cracks up. I mean he really loses it; eye-tearing, gut-clutching, snot-blowing, down-on-the-floor full-on hysterical outburst. Second, Papa cracks up, pretty much in the same fashion and order, only I tend to add a certain degree of flatulence to the scene. Third, Angie turns into a mean version of Puff and starts hyperventilating fire on me. My only defensive response was that I was laughing at the fact that David was laughing and not necessarily at Tom. Ow, fire burns.

Peter was feeling a burn of different sorts after mistakenly getting within arm's reach of David's scratching hand.

We had all three boys in one oversized IKEA shopping cart. It wasn't oversized enough, though. At one point, David marked out his own personal space by scratching a prison tattoo on Peter's chest. Peter of course screamed like a little girl for twenty minutes. After that, though, he seemed quite proud of his 'flesh wound' and even forced me to take a picture of it. Here you go, Rambo.

After searing Peter's gash with a blow torch, we decided to treat the wounded to ice-cream. Tom loved the ice-cream, but did not comprehend nor did he accept the simple fact that when you devour the entire cone in three seconds flat, there is no more ice-cream.

It was at this point that wise Papa called an end to Mama's shop-a-thon and rounded up the Zoo Crew for a short ride home and a long bath to bed. At least, that was my idea.

My Bath, Bed and Beyond plan had several minor faults in it. The first being that David's leg was in a freakin' cast. I didn't care, though. The boy stunk. Bad. Plus, I had Saran Wrap and duct tape and was fully willing to ignore the doctor's advice to not give him a bath. What the hell does he know anyway - he's just a doctor.

Even David was cracking up as I wrapped him up.

'Papa, this no work, okay? I go not in the bath.'

'Trust me; I know what I'm doing. I broke my arm once and I bathed.'

The funny thing is, a broken arm that is in a cast wrapped in Saran Wrap and duct tape doesn't get nearly as wet as other appendages that actually get completely submerged in water. Like feet.

I think we are trying to break (get it?) a new record for how many times a cast can be reset before it heals. The day after David broke his foot, it itched. This resulted in Angie walking into his bedroom to find that he had 'scratched' his cast into crumbles. Cast number two came off several days later when the doctor had to confirm that his foot was still broken. It was. Brilliant. Thanks, Doc. Cast number four was actually the end result of my attempt at de-stinkafying Dirty Dave.

He smelled great, but the doctor took one look at my make-shift cast after destroying cast number three and began asking a bunch of really stupid questions.

'Is that duct tape?'


'What is that wrapped around? Did you use a ... is that a kitchen towel?'


'You didn't try giving him a bath, did you?'


I wish the Hippocratic Oath also included a clause that prevented doctors from making you feel like an ass. Although this would probably prevent Angie from ever entering the medical field, and since we need to keep our options open, I kept my mouth shut.

Meanwhile, back at the Zoo, the animals were getting restless. To try and make them more restful, we invited Daniel over for what turned out to be a childish card game. Just my style.

The game was progressing along nicely when Peter decided to amaze Daniel with his ability to fart from his armpit. I'm sorry, I don't care how old I get - that shit is funny. I cracked up and looked over at Angie, who was frowning. Then she huffed and glared at me again. This honestly made me laugh harder and then she began really scowling in my general direction. When we finally made eye contact, she quickly darted her eyes to the sofa. Enough foreshadowing for you?
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I played Queen cards with Daniel.
David: When we played that with the cards with Daniel.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When Davey scratch me.
David: When I cried 'cause I heared not when you tell me stop and I in trouble.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To play with you and Mama and Tom and Davey surprise maker.
David: To play Mama and Baby, where Peter is the baby 'cause he is.

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