Saturday, March 13, 2010

Kite dragging

Yeah, there's a reason I don't let her drive. Aside from valuing my life, Angie tends to get distracted easily. Like today, when I gave her the simple task of getting the navigation system from the glove box.

'Ooooh, look at me. I'm a monster! Booga-booga!'

'Ah, yeah. How about that nav, honey?'

'Scary. Soooo scary.'
'You know, I thought we agreed not to drink until we get there.'

Angie continued not scaring people with her key monster that she bought at a KIDS store for the entire drive to Eisi and Martha's. I don't know if I was happier to see them or just to get the hell out of the car. I mean, come on. No offense; I like them, but it's hard to compete against two hours in the car with the key freak. At least they seemed happy to see us. For a few minutes.

After a few minutes, the boys discovered Eisi's new Foosball table. This took approximately 0.4 seconds. Our original plan was to let Clooney attack the boys while we talked with the adults. After overhearing the boys screaming about the 'super-duper-cool' table soccer in the other room, it took Angie 0.2 seconds to disappear.

'Yeah, nice to see guys - bye!'

I hung out for another 1.5 seconds of awkwardness before excusing myself to go 'check on the boys'.

Four hours later, Eisi grew impatient of Angie and Peter getting their asses beat. He suggested we do something outside, since the weather was so nice.

'Yeah, nice try, Eisi - why don't you go fly a kite?'

The boys had never flown a kite before, but they were certainly intrigued. No, Peter, it's not like driving a bus.

The first thing I noticed when we got to the kite-flying field was that there was no wind.

I questioned Eisi on this, who just shrugged at me and pretended like he didn't speak English. Whatever, Frenchie. The good news was that there were absolutely no other kiters, so we pretty much had the place to ourselves. I actually asked Eisi about this strange fact as well, but again I got the French look normally reserved for American tourists. I live here, damn it.
I'm crap at building anything that's not IKEA, so I left the kite assembly to Smart and Smarter.

Yeah, okay. Three hours later, Eisi was ready for take-off. I was ready for a beer, but instead I brought up the whole wind thing again. 'Foux da fa fa' was his only response before heading down the runway. Whatever, froggy.

In case my foreshadowing drew you into a false sense of believing that a kite can fly without wind, let me just dispel these silly thoughts - it can't. Eisi figured this out after an hour or so of inventing a new game called kite-dragging. The boys were cracking up so much; I even gave it a try.

After tearing down kite alley like a bat out of my house, I turned back to find Angie, not the boys, laughing her freakin' ass off. It's strange. Angie and I have known each other for over a decade now, so I've always known that she's a bit odd. I just never knew that watching a hairy-chested sexy man run faster than a mongoose would make her laugh. Maybe it was the kite. Um, you can stop laughing now.

The laughs did not stop, though. After tucking the kite-kiddies into bed, Le Eisi decided to start speaking English again.

'Hey, let's play a joke on Peter and David.'

I was in from the get-go. And now you know it; the secret is out. I love Eisi because he shares my passion for practical jokes and tormenting children. I know it's mean, but I just can't stop myself. I've even thought about joining Assholes Anonymous.

'Hi, my name is Steve and I am an irritating bastard. It's been five minutes since I've annoyed another human.'

Amazingly enough, it was Eisi, not me, who launched operation Prank the Kids.

It was a simple plan, actually:
  1. Drink a beer.
  2. Repeat step 1 until steps 3 to 12 smell like a good idea.
  3. Steal a chocolate egg containing a small toy as a surprise from innocent kids that love and trust you.
  4. Very, very carefully remove the aluminum wrapper.
  5. Make sure that Angie is not watching or witnessing anything.
  6. Crack open the chocolate egg along its seam very delicately.
  7. Open the plastic tube inside that encases the small toy.
  8. Replace the boat, car, airplane, spaceship or whatever shitty prize lies inside with a clove of garlic.
  9. Reseal the egg and put the wrapper back on.
  10. Place the egg on the breakfast table.
  11. Giggle and wait in anticipation.
  12. Give up on waiting and just wake them up for an early breakfast.
Peter and David were MEGA excited when they saw the breakfast dessert on the table. They are normally not allowed to have dessert until after cleaning their dinner plates with their tongues. I explained to them that this was a special treat. Get it?

After tearing apart their nutritious egg, Peter was the first one to scowl. His tears of disappointment were drowned by laughter. I won't tell you who was laughing, but I can certainly tell you who wasn't.

Speaking of Angie, she was busy fighting off an attack from the breakfast gang after someone (I won't reveal my name) explained that the 'garlic' trick was all her idea. Poor Angie. The confused miscreant couldn't understand why she was being assaulted and turned to me for help. The boys were watching my reaction, though, so I just shook my head, told her that she was a mean Mama and asked her how could she. Then I grabbed my camera.

Even Tom came to the rescue with the most amazing flying leap from the bench. He is now getting to the age where he can really hurt if he hits you in the right spot. The bridge of Angie's nose was exactly that point.

Angie screamed and David laughed. There was a slight pause as the others decided which road to take. Tom broke the silence with hysterical laughter and Peter nervously followed. I think you know which road I took and you probably can guess how much Angie appreciated the finger pointing that accompanied my chuckles.

The boys quickly forgot the prank and had a blast until it was time to hit the road. Tom, on the other hand, was still really pissed that Angie had pulled such a mean joke. In retaliation, he waited until everyone was buckled in and the engine was started before making his movement.

Seconds after Tom broke the stench barrier, we broke the hell out of the car. Phew.

I eventually evened things out between them by promising him that I would post this picture of Mama holding Tom's rage.

Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When we go to Eisi's and Martha and Clooney.
David: When I play with Martha.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I couldn't play one more table soccer with Eisi.
David: When I not more with them play can.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: I want to do a trick on Eisi and maybe on Martha, too.
David: To play where one is a human and the others are animals.

1 comment:

  1. Looking forward to the annual world championship kite dragging in Freiburg...