Sunday, August 15, 2010

Stuck in a moment

I'm an ass, I know. But just for the record, I did not take this picture of David getting his head stuck in the booth at the diner - Angie did. I certainly would have, but I was too busy laughing my ass off to hold the camera straight. And when I say 'the' picture, there was only one. David started bawling his eyes out right after this snapshot and I think the other patrons would have called in the animal protective services had Angie zoomed in for another photo op. It's called a memory, you people!

It all started out with Peter's brain, who convinced Papa's jelly belly that it would be a fun-filled family-eating adventure to go to the diner shaped out of an old train.

My brain must completely shut down whenever I get hungry. I mean, come on - it's a freaking train! I rode one of those things to work for years and never thought 'mmm, so hungry - I wish I could eat in one of these things'. Unless sweat and döner kebabs count, I don't remember trains smelling particularly appetizing. I couldn't remember, though, because my brain had shut down. Must. Eat. Now.

Now didn't happen because, like I said, it's a small place and apparently a lot of people get stupid hungry like me. The waitress summed it up nicely when we entered the diner.

'I hope you're not hungry.'

'I am, actually.'
One huff and two puffs later, the hopeless waitress showed us to the waiting bar.

It had swivel chairs. My first thought was 'whoopty do'. The boys were truly impressed, which wasn't that impressive; they also are amazed every time the vacuum cleaner gets turned on. Me, too.

The waitress got visibly upset after the sixth time the boys asked her if our table was ready. Then she glared at me.

'Hey lady, this is only brunch. You've never been on a road trip with them.'

Two glares later, we had our table. Judging by the glares of some of the other waiters, I think impatience actually helped us out. Glares and impatience are so familiar to me, though, that I just smiled at the waiters and thanked our waitress.

When the waitress asked for drinks, both Peter and David shouted 'root beer!'.

Knowing Papa's preferred choice in beverages, I was not that surprised by their selection. I was, however, astonished by some of their reactions.

Peter is a normal kid in so many ways, so it wasn't that amazing that pounding sugar-water made him just plain happy.

David is not a normal kid in so many ways. Liquid sugar somehow convinced his brain that it would be a brilliant idea to see if his head would get stuck if he tried wedging it between a gap in the diner booth. It did.

One problem with David's brain is that it comes up with really dumb ideas sometimes. The other problem is that, because it was his brain's idea, it also commands him to execute on these impulsive orders with prejudice. The lines of comparison to Angie are so straight that at least David will never have to wonder if he was adopted.

Tom's reaction to root beer actually stunned me.

Tom had watched the whole 'stuck head' trick that his idol had demonstrated, so I had fully expected Tom to jump down and wedge his head in the first crevice that he could find. Instead, he slumbered into a disgusting eating scene that would rival David Hasselhoff's 'midnight snack'.

Angie also had a root beer, but apparently it just makes her hungry. At least she didn't do anything goofy.

Thanks to 'pass-out Tom', Angie learned how to eat left-handed. It's not every day that you learn something new. I have a feeling that tomorrow I will be learning what effects publishing a picture of your wife wolfing down a Rueben sandwich has on your sleeping arrangements. But hey, the more you know, right? Thanks, NBC!
Angie and I had our hands full, so I gave Peter the camera. He took this picture and asked if the glass was half empty or half full.

Neither, moron. The glass is one sip away from being a really annoying question. Give me back my camera.

Tom had obviously crashed from his root beer high. David was close. Peter - well, he was still swinging from the 'oh-shit' handles.

On the ride to Grams and Opa's, Peter asked for the camera again. Since we didn't have any contemplatable glasses in the back, I let him have it.

Out of the 800 pictures taken, the close-up of his nose and this sock portrait topped the list. And yes, you can take that as an indication of the quality of the other 798 pictures. Give me back my camera.

At one point, David tried making my ears bleed by screaming that he wanted A PIECE OF CHEWING GUM NOW, PAPA! My ears didn't bleed, but the ringing convinced me to cave in. Directly after Davey placed his 'order', Tom woke up. Surprise, surprise.

Not a shocker was that Tom also wanted whatever his idol had just shoved into his mouth. Angie and I exchanged glances as we decided whether or not to give Tom his first piece of chewing gum.

I mistakenly interpreted Angie's 'come on, why not?' look as 'hell no, right?'. She mistakenly interpreted my 'hell no, right?' look as 'come on, why not?'. Before I knew it, Angie had shoved a stick of the sugarless into Tom's gaping sound box.

For the next three minutes, Angie repeated 'ONLY CHEW - DO NOT SWALLOW' over and over again. The sexy driver, who would like to remain nameless, kept repeating 'HE'S GONNA EAT IT' over and over again.

I think I was the only one emotionless when Tom swallowed his first piece of chewing gum.

Tom was sad because his gum was gone.

Peter was said because I had explained the fact that gum doesn't digest; it sticks to your belly until gum trees start to grow and you turn into a Wrigley forest.

David was sad because Tommy had wasted the last piece of his gum.

Mama wasn't exactly sad, but there's not that much difference between an 's' and an 'm', is there?

For some very, very odd reason, we were actually ahead of schedule. Us Johnsons like being normal, though, so Angie hatched a plan to ensure that we would be as late as usual. It involved driving extremely late birthday invitations to a selected few. First on the drive-by hit list - Dalia.

It might strike you as odd that Peter was the one delivering David's birthday party invitations. What should strike you, though, is that we are celebrating David's birthday in August. He was born in May. As I wrote, 'extremely late' is perfectly 'normal' for us Johnsons.

When we got to Grams and Opa's, we (Opa) had enough time to teach David how to play Chinese Checkers.

I couldn't immediately explain why David was falling asleep. Not until I noticed the 'ages 6+' label. Unless it's a puzzle, David has the attention span of '2+'. Besides, he doesn't speak Chinese.

Uno is more David's forte, so when we hit the restaurant, we busted out the cards and let the cheating begin.

Peter was checking out how Mama chalantly checked out David's cards. Grams was busy checking out my right ear, but I can't blame her - it's pretty hot. David was staring off into the distance and probably thinking 'I wonder if I can start a fire in that furnace over there?'.

Luckily, the food saved us all from eternal flames. The restaurant serves several dishes, but if you order anything other than a schnitzel, you're a tourist. For any tourists out there, I'm sorry, but you're hated in these necks of the woods. Eat steak and die.

The place is way out in the boonies, so luckily there were no pesky tourists around to ruin our meal. We chowed down on our delicious fried escalopes coated in breadcrumbs.

As Opa once again refused help with the bill, we chased Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dum around the barn. At one point, the gooftards decided to hide and scare Opa.

David's butt was hanging out of the trailer and Peter - come on! What the hell kind of hiding is that? He stood behind a wooden beam. Oooohh, I wonder where Peter Copperfield disappeared to?

Opa came out and began his search for the two lost boys. I must say, I always thought Opa was rather observant. Not tonight. He completely missed David's incessant giggling as he walked past Peter twice! Time to get the prescription checked.

We packed the animals into the paddy wagon and I set the course home. On the way, Peter and David and Tom were cracking up with each other in a way that I have never seen or heard. Oddly enough, the chaos in the back did not bother me in the least. If I had to be stuck in a moment, that would be the one.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I was drinking root beer.
David: That I can play with Grams and Opa - they are the best!

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: Can you put an X by my worst, Papa? Cause I have not a bad moment.
David: That my Indian was gone.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: I want to play with my quiz book.
David: Play with my Indian when you find it.


  1. excellent blog, will have to behave next weekend or guess i'll be a subject of your next one !!

  2. Medwyn - Thanks! If you get your head stuck anywhere, I will blog about it, picture or no picture. :-)

  3. My parents always told us kids that if we swallowed gum we would end up blowing giant bubbles out of our butts. That was a sufficient deterrent for me, but now that I think about it, it explains A LOT about my brother. ;-)

  4. Rocky - good one! Saying something like that would probably scare the crap out of Peter. David, however, would problem start eating packs of gum for lunch and cans of beans for dinner 'just to see'.

  5. Hi. Great blog.:-) I thought my sons are the only ones always craving for a rootbeer. I don't know why they love that soda so much.:-)Anyways, have a great day ahead of you.:-)