Saturday, October 24, 2015

Tree Climbing with a Yank

Today's feature film opens with a parking lot scene, where Barb and Leif have just met The Johnson's Zoo for a tree-top climbing adventure.

Barb opens the trunk of their car and begins changing her shoes, prompting her overly emotional sister to go through her mental list of things she has forgotten which, among many other things, includes tennis shoes. Before the incredibly sexy Director could even show how little he cares, Leif steals the stage by stripping down to his boxers. There goes the PG rating. 

'CUT! Leif, what the hell are you doing?'

'Um, I'm changing into my climbing jeans.' 

'Your what?? You know what, never mind! Let's go, people, we only have two hours for this shoot.'


'Listen up, everyone, I want to see excitement from everyone except you, David. I want you to look like a sleepy ghost.'

'CUT!! Okay, Angie - you need to throttle back on the happy. Davey - perfect! You nailed it!' 

TAKE 23:
'Okay, Leif, you're up. Now remember, I want you to look nonchalantly impatient. Of course you'd like to move to the next obstacle, but you have all the time in world to wait for the slow kids to catch up. And for God's sake, keep your pants on this time! And...ACTION!' 

'Perfect! Nailed it.'

TAKE 29:
'Take your time, Barb, we've only got one shot at this scene. We're going for the whole death-grip-while-smiling look. And...ACTION!' 

'Perfect! Nailed it.'

TAKE 34:
'Next up is Tommy The Gun. I want you to show the camera your war face and don't hold back! And...ACTION!' 

'Perfect! Nailed it.'

TAKE 41:
'Okay, Disco Dave, what we're going for is the intersection between "Eyes Wide Shut" and the Jaws character from "The Spy Who Loved Me". And...ACTION!' 

'Perfect! Nailed it.'

TAKE 44:
'Could someone get Peter "The Python" back from make-up? Oh, there you are. This one should be easy, just look peacefully cool, with a slight dash of badass. And...ACTION!' 

'Perfect! Nailed it.'

TAKE 49:
'Okay, Butter Buns, this is the last take. Now, what you need to do is....whoa, are you kidding me? You're not even dressed yet?'


TAKE 65:
'Um, is this thing supposed to spring back?' 


TAKE 94:
'Ooops! Sorry, I think I jumped off a little crooked.'


TAKE 135:
'Okay, take a deep breath and try and nail this one. You just need to slide down and NOT look petrified. And...ACTION!' 


TAKE 167:
'First off, thank you for reminding me to never again cast people married to the Director. That said, it's late, we really need to wrap this up. Could you just try walking across this bridge without falling over? Nice shoes, by the way.'

'Perfect! Nailed it. Barely. That's a wrap!'
Ladder Talk: 
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: That we went to the climbing park.
David: That we was with Barbara and Leif in the Kletter park. 
Tom: That we was in the Kletter park. 

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: That David always like did stuff wrong and we couldn't play the game in the car. 
David: That I couldn't spend the night by Luca. 
Tom: That I hurt me so often. 

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: I want to see Arman.
David: I want to play soccer outside. 
Tom: I want to see Mama again.

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