Sunday, January 15, 2012

Lost and Found

I'll get into how I almost killed our family pet later; first, I'd like to pick up from the last blog. For those of you with short attention spans, it's the one that ended with a triumphant Mama flaunting her de-piping skills and gloating about digging out Peter's tooth from thirty years of yuck. Yeah, bravo, honey. You do realize that you've now stereotyped yourself as the one to tackle the disgusting jobs. By the way, Tommy's on the toilet and he's calling for you.

After getting Gap boy back to bed, I came out to find Plumber chick putting on her coat.

'I'm going out.'

'Hard day at the office?'

'Very funny - don't forget Peter's loot.'

As the front door shut, I realized that I've never actually done the whole tooth-for-cash switcheroo. My first thought was 'how hard can it be?' Since I always trust my gut and its feelings, I decided that the best course of action was to ignore the tooth factor, drink a beer and try to piss off people on Facebook.

After an hour of visiting various Farmville fan pages and posting 'Farmer Dell called - he'd like his life back', I decided it was time to head to bed. As I was brushing my teeth, I remembered that I had forgotten to deceive my son. How could I forget? That's normally the highlight of my evening.

I rushed into his room with a handful of coinage thinking 'this can't be that hard'. I inserted my money hand under his pillow and was about to release when his eyes popped open.

[awkward pause]

'Peter, I thought I heard you screaming. Are you okay? Did you have a bad dream?'

Peter didn't answer; he just drifted off back to sleep. I waited a second for my heart to stop pounding and for Peter to start snoring. Then I dropped the money load and held my breath, waiting for the clinking of metal to wake him again. Luckily, he gets his sleeping patterns from Mama.

I went to bed, content with myself that I had not only lied to my son quite convincingly, but that I had also continued on a tradition of making him believe in things that will probably not last more than another year. At least for Peter.

As I laid down to go to sleep, I thought about what I should dream about. I hate nightmares, so I ruled out the U.S. elections right from the start. I was still debating between mustard-flavored beer and bacon-scented candles when it hit me. Shit! I never took his tooth!

I leaped out of bed and raced into his room, tip-toeing the last few steps. I lifted his pillow gently and started frantically fishing around for Gap boy's calcium deposit. Where the hell is it? For the second time, Peter's eyes popped open.

[awkward pause]

'Listen, Peter - I can't keep coming in here every five minutes. If you need the bathroom, just go. If it's a nightmare, you need to tell me. Otherwise, stop calling for me to come in here and just go to sleep!'

'Okay, Papa - sorry.'

It's the 'sorry' that made me almost cry. Luckily, I'm a manly man who would never shed a tear. I'm also the guy who pawns off plumbing chores to his wife so I'm fully aware that there are some minor inconsistencies with my whole 'manly man' image. Shut up. I'm Metro.

In the end, I was able to steal Peter's tooth for Angie's slightly less than disturbing little collection. I was also able to sleep easy, even after lying to my son. I went with the bacon-scented candles, by the way.

In the morning, I was awoken by Angie accusing me that I had killed our cat. Talk about your attention-grabbing wake-up calls.

'Good morning to you, too. Glad you made it home safe.'

'Luke is gone! When I left, he was here. Where is he?'

Angie didn't even wait for an answer. Instead, she yelled her theory at me that I must have let Luke out on the balcony while getting a beer. Luke was no longer on the balcony, which clearly meant that he had jumped down two stories and ran away to quietly freeze to death in the middle of the night.

I have to be honest; she did have me feeling guilty enough to launch a series of search expeditions. Angie and Peter demanded the first shift and I was next on the duty roster. We took turns and spent several hours combing the streets of Heidelberg for a cat that likes to attack toilet paper. I even asked the homeless people in a park nearby if they had seen a cat. Most shrugged, but one guy with huge pupils actually responded.

'Cats? I've seen millions of them - they're everywhere!'

Before crazy dude decided to join the search party, I gave up and reluctantly headed back to explain to the Zoo how sorry Papa was that he had killed the family pet. Angie gave me eye-daggers when I walked in empty handed and decided that a little salt needed to be added.

'What are we going to tell Davey? He's spending the night with Grams and Opa, but it was HIS cat.'

The 'how could you?' wasn't verbalized, but it was definitely there. Angie has a knack for ignoring the fact that you already feel bad and making sure that you pay for your mistakes. It's almost biblical.

I was on the computer preparing 'Missing Pet' flyers when our elderly neighbor from upstairs rang the doorbell. I answered.

'I think I've found your cat.'

'I love you.'

Despite the confused look she gave me, she pointed to a spot in our stairwell that was lined with potted indoor plants. It took me a second to see the two gray-blackish ears poking out from behind the greenage.

I scooped up Luke and pranced back into the house to find a very red-cheeked woman scrambling to save her soul.

'My theory is that Luke jumped from the balcony and ran around the building and waited in the freezing cold until someone opened the front door. He then sneaked back into the house and hid out in the stairwell.'

'Thanks, Watson, but my theory is that when YOU came home from your girl's night out, you might have possibly - and I don't know, this is just a guess - left the front door open long enough for Luke to escape like he does anytime anyone leaves the front door open, but not long enough for him to come back in. Because, for me - call me crazy - that would explain why our cat was cowering behind one of the plants located in the stairwell just outside our front door.'

I've learned at work recently that 'silence is acceptance' so I accepted Angie's silence and moved on. It took all of the afternoon and a good portion of the evening before Luke would even hiss at us. At one point, we reached what I would like to call 'a tit for tat'. The 'tit' would be us (Angie) locking him out in our heated stairwell. The 'tat' would be that Luke scooped up one of Angie's new white slippers. I actually cheered him on as he ran off to find a suitable hiding place.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: That I go to Arman's and the tooth fairy gave me more money and that we found Luke.
David: That I woke up at Grams and Opa.
Tom: To look T.V.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When we didn't know where Luke is.
David: That I wanted to lay on the bed but I banged my head on a book.
Tom: When you said 'Come!' as I play cars with Peter.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: I want to go in the school and say 'Kaboomba!'
David: To sleep by Grams and Opa.
Tom: I want to play in kindergarten cars.


  1. I've said it before. Life is exciting at your house. Jean

  2. I decided that the best course of action was to ignore the tooth factor, drink a beer and try to piss off people on Facebook.

    bwahahahaha - shut up, Metro ;-)

  3. Rocky - I think the Metro course of action is for me to ignore your comment, drink a beer, and leave you a comment on Facebook. :-)