Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Brain sucker starving

In the wild, you often hear of mothers eating their young, so you can imagine my concern when I walked in on the Zoo crew and found Angie trying to brainsuck the life out of the Birthday Boy. Luckily, Papa came to the rescue before Mama's power hickey could do any permanent damage.

Today was the warm-up version for David's birthday - his real party is this weekend. He has invited his entire school to the BIG BIRTHDAY PARTY, along with anyone who has inadvertently spoken to him in the last two weeks. Since it was a warm-up, we at least had to have some fire.

After blowing out the candles, Angie freaked out getting the boys ready. Why was she in such a hurry, you might ask. Let me answer your curious George with a flashback to the night before.

I came home from work and was immediately tackled by the animals, as per usual. Angie came in and started babbling about her day and how awesome I am, as per usual. I ignored these incessant ramblings, as per usual, until she mentioned something that really made me chuckle.

'I'm going to bake a Captain Sharky cake and some muffins for David's kindergarten class.'

'Ok, should I call the fire department now or wait until I smell smoke?'

As is often the case, Angie completely ignored wit and humor, even when it was slapping her upside the head. At least I got another chuckle.

About an hour later, Angie shuffled in wearing a long, red face that was spinkled with flour. For some strange reason, she actually admitted to me how she had emptied the contents of the muffin mix into a bowl, but somehow managed to follow the recipe that was written on the cake box. This of course meant that the muffins had a bit more eggs, oil and milk in them then they should have. I chuckled again.

About forty-five minutes later, Angie came prancing in and danced a victory lap around me, shouting something about being able to bake a cake and shoving fingers in my face while screaming 'Ha!' over and over. Whatever. No chuckling - mainly because there was absolutely nothing funny about Angie's 'in yo face' dance.

About thirty minutes later, I went to the kitchen; presumably for a beer, but yesterday was so long ago, I really don't remember. Anyway, I came across a cake sitting on our cutting board that looked like it had pretty much collapsed on itself.

From time to time, I like to dress up in silly clothes, smoke a pipe, and pretend that I am Sherlock Holmes, so I immediately started investigating. My first observation was rather simple and only confirmed my initial suspicion - yup, the cake had definitely caved in on itself. The question remained, though - why would a perfectly good Captain Sharky cake commit suicide?

Next, I moved my skilful eyes to the cake mix box, with a nice picture of a round flat cake that looked nothing like the masterpiece I was analyzing.

By simple geometrical elimination, I was able to deduce that the cake in front of me was not round. My trained eye then noticed a used pan in the sink. It was not a round, flat cake pan. No, it was a rather deep bread pan. Hmmm....intriguing. But there was still that pesky question of why the cake would just implode on itself.

It's elementary, my dear moron. A cake, baked in a deep bread pan would need to cook a tad bit longer than the same cake, baked in a shallow cake pan. You would also need to follow the cooking times and recipe written on the cake box and not those from the muffin box, but at least this slight oversight made a certain sexy and muscular Sherlock Holmes wannabe chuckle even harder.

Anyway, the cake cooled, but the middle was still liquid, thereby resulting in the unfortunate, but still freakin' hilarious collapsing of said cake. And, you guessed it - I chuckled yet again.

So jumping back from my rather lengthy flash, Angie was running around all panicky, trying to get the kids ready for school. I finally realized why the hell she was in such a hurry - Betty Crock-not still needed to go by a cake store and buy something edible for David's kindergarten party. I guess the half-baked muffin breadcake was too embarrassing for even Angie to show up with. In the end, I finally figured out that Chef Boyardummy was probably just brainsucking our children for any cooking brain cells they might have inherited from Papa. Elementary.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When Barbara read me that book.
David: When I make in the toilet kaka.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I got that owa.
David: When Mama make my schnulli out 'cause I are a baby.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To go to Arman's.
David: To play 'hi, the shark is in the water'.

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