Monday, September 7, 2009

Sink or drown

NOTE TO MY TWO NAGGY READERS: I am aware that, despite the date of this blog, I am further behind than I have ever been with the Zoo's news. Deal with it, I'm a Johnson; keep pissing me off and I'll go dark until Christmas.

You'll hopefully be happy to know that I'm not dead. I was also not off on some exotic six week luxury cruise. Nor was I on one of those green missions to hug trees and save frogs from the rain forest. So, where the hell have you been for the last month and a half, you ask? Well, you know what? You curious types should just go murder a cat and get it over with.

The inconvenient truth is - I've been busy. At work, at home - even the freakin' commute between the two has been unpeaceful. It all started on this day when Angie went back to work. Damn her - why can't she just stay in the kitchen where she....oh, that's right, never mind. Congrats on the whole 're-joining society' thing, sugar plum.

I will be the first person to admit that when Angie told me she was going back to teaching - I was tickled fuchsia. There are several reasons for this, which I will send to you, bullet-style:
  • More money. Lot's of it. We're re-yach, bitch!

  • Less gossip. Somehow, I pictured having fewer coffee mugs and cake crumbs to clean up if Gossip Central lost their beautiful host.

  • More dialogue. I was so ready to get rid of the nightly updates like 'Tommy said 'jasdhfljkas' today - doesn't that sound soooo much like 'Mama'? No, actually. Next time, just say 'God bless you' like normal humans.

Reality must be Murphy's bitchy little sister. At least she has a sense of humor; she laughed her ass off at my list and came up with her own:

  • More money. Ah, Stephen, Stephen, Stephen. You really do know how to make me laugh. Have you ever actually sat down and gone through your finances? Apparently not. Had you done so, you would have certainly realized that Angie's fifteen hours a week almost brings in enough to cover babysitting.

  • Less gossip. Stephen, you dim-witted nimrod. Lady chats are like bills - they won't go away, no matter how wishful your thinking is.

  • More dialogue. Wow, you really are a feebleminded idiot. Did you perhaps forget that she is teaching LITTLE KIDS? You're still going to get the endless spatter of disgustingly cute things the children did that day, only now the minute-by-minute recounts will be about kids that you have never even seen. Bravo.
Anywho, back to Angie's first day. Because we are the Johnson's, we of course had no babysitters lined up for Angie's big day. We did, of course, know it was coming; we just chose to ignore the fact that someone might actually need to watch Tom as Angie was bashing kids with Nerf balls or whatever the hell it is she does at these places they call 'school'.

I love being the last pick, especially if it's for a suicide mission. After striking out with three sitters who, surprise-surprise, could not sit on Tom with only 24 hours notice, I was volunteered to take vacation to resolve the dilemma. I can dishonestly say that I'm really glad that I was able to use these so-called 'vacation' days doing something fun, relaxing, and stress-free like babysitting Tom. You know, 'me time'.

To add misery to fun, Peter was sick, so he stayed home with me. I am quite sure that I was his last pick for people to watch over him while he was ill, but I showed no signs of actually giving a shit. Instead, I told him that we were going to do a science experiment as soon as Tom took his nap.

'Wooooaaaahhh! Yeaaaaahh! An askpearament! Should I get my goggles?'

'It's called an
'experiment' and you need to stop screaming. I'm trying to get Tom to go to sleep.'


'First of all, shut up; Tom is almost asleep. Second, we are not blowing up anything - Mama yelled at me BIG TIME the last time we tried that. We are going to throw a bunch of stuff into water and see if it floats or sinks.'

Tom eventually fell asleep and the 'askpearament' went great. Peter learned that apples, peppers, bananas and cucumbers all float. Limes, potatoes, raisins, and Tom do not. Man, I should be a teacher.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When we do that askpearament with the fruit.
David: I go by Grams and Opa and stayed there for sleep.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When Davey was by Grams and Opa and not more here.
David: When I cried for the green frog.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: When I'm going to play with you something.
David: When I every time go to kindergarten.

No comments:

Post a Comment