Sunday, January 10, 2010

One of these kids is...not like the others

When I was still a tiny bastard, I had to babysit my little sister one time. In her usual infantile brilliance, she decided to climb to the top of our couch and just hang out. At one point, I heard grunting noises and looked over to see Vena had somehow managed to wedge her butt in a small gap between the wall and the sofa, thanks to a wall-mounted radiator. Seeing her arms and legs flailing about, I started cracking up. Her grunting soon turned into full-on screaming and that's when it hit me. Get the camera!

Today was Tom's first sled ride, so I thought he would be thrilled to share this moment with his idols. It was also my first sled ride, so I wasn't sure what to expect. When I heard grunting noises, though, my instincts kicked in and I grabbed the camera. Man, other people's misery is funny, isn't it?

Ah, Tom didn't think so. In fact, he continued screaming his head off for the next hour as PeDalia and BriDave raced up and down the hill.

For some people, it just takes time watching crazy people do crazy things before they build up the courage to try it themselves. That certainly explains how and why I got married. After an hour of spectating from the sidelines, I picked up signals that Tom was ready for his virgin slide.

I must repeat - I had never gone sledding either, so I asked Brian for the gist of it.

'Point your sled, push off, brake with your feet.'

Holy thanks, Explanatory-man! I followed these detailed words of 'wisdom' and yes - there is a reason that I used quotes. I pointed, I pushed. Above the wind roaring in my ears, I could hear Tom giggling away. Great. So far.

At the bottom of the hill, I followed Master's directions and dug both feet into the ground. Suddenly, ploughs of snow were flying past me and we stopped. Cool!

Uh, not cool. Tom didn't start screaming right away, but only because he was busy choking on a mouthful of snow. I dismounted the sled and soon saw the source of Tom's silent screams. He looked like an extremely pissed off skunk, actually. He had a white streak of snow and ice going from his toes to his hair thanks to Brian's sure-fire way of braking.

As funny as other people's misery can be, I could not bring myself to leave Tom screaming to run off to get the camera. I know, I know - with Vena, I did exactly that, but she's only a sibling. You're supposed to do mean things to your kinfolk - just ask Christine. She almost broke my damn nose one time showing me her new karate trick that 'won't hurt at all, I promise'.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't contemplate the whole camera thing, but asides from just being too cruel, there were witnesses. Instead, I scooped the snow out of Tom's mouth, nose, and ears, and took him to our car. After twenty minutes of warm air mixed with carbon monoxide, we were ready to hit the slope again.

We, in this case, turned out to exclude Tom, who freaked right the freak out when I opened the door and he caught a glimpse of snow. Boy, this is going to be a fun winter.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: As I played with Artin snow balls and then went riding hills with Dalia.
David: Snow balls and POW! I got you.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I couldn't play more with Artin 'cause I needed to go have fun with Dalia.
David: When I can't not play more with Dalia, okay?

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To play with Artin.
David: To play with Peter like I are a cow, okay?


  1. Get help, Steve. If you sense a whiff of "be the best parent you can be", you're right! My poor hero, Tom.
    Camera? Might as well give yourself up to Child Services, man.

    Tom will be okay, he'll outgrow this one too!


  2. @Ceci: Tom is fine. Sure, he screams hysterically and starts hyperventilating when he sees snow now, but I'm sure you're right - it's just a phase. He'll outgrow it.

  3. By the way, Happy Birthday, Ceci! I'll be thinking of you when I watch the superbowl. Of course, for you, it won't be at 3:00 AM. :-)

  4. Steve's my hero for making parenting look like a combination of Candid Camera and Saw. I also believe in karma, so he's righteously screwed in about 8 years. Ha ha!

  5. @Kato - glad that we're now mutual heroes. We should probably go out and buy capes and matching tights. I don't remember who the hell Karma is, but please don't mention her around Angie.