Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Double Digit

A decade worth of living is definitely worthy of a fair share of laughter and tears. And not necessarily in that order. 

I set my alarm to wake up even earlier than what I already consider to be insane. I did this because Peter has been known to wake up insanely early when he is bubbling with excitement. Oh yeah, and because today is also April Fool's Day.

I raced around the house setting all the clocks to 9:00. I even changed my phone, the computer and Peter's iPod, because you know - I believe in being thorough. Then I ran into Birthday Boy's room and let my overly muscular lungs flex.

'Peter! You gotta wake up NOW! We slept in and you're late for school! Come on, come on - it's 9:00!! Let's GO, GO, GO!!'

Peter normally leaves the house at 07:30, so he immediately sprang into action. I chuckled as he ripped open closet drawers and wondered how many more years I would have until he simply ignores anything I say to him on his birthday. In his defense, it's not that far of a stretch that we would accidentally sleep in until 9:00.

After a speed brushing of his teeth that would have revolted any dentist, Peter raced by the living room and saw the pile of gifts and balloons on the table.

'Um, do you think I could open....'

'No time, Peter! Get moving!'

'Okay, but I'm hungry...'

I ran to the kitchen, grabbed a pack of crackers, ignored dirty looks from a woman with no sense of humor, and raced back to the front door.

'Here you go, buddy. Off you go!'

At that point, Peter lost the battle with his lip that, according to any clock in the house, had started at approximately 09:00 this morning. I had been fully prepared to ride it out until Peter had gotten to the front door downstairs, where I was planning to shout 'April Fool's Day' on the intercom. Needless to say, I didn't let our first born leave the house sobbing. Even needless-er to say, Angie intervened before I could kick him out the door.

After a well-deserved punch in the arm, a table full of gifts and two pieces of chocolate French toast, Peter decided to finally make peace with me.

David was still cracking up at how 'Papa changed ALL the clocks and tricked Peter - that was mean, but it was funny too because it was not me.'

After breakfast, Peter still had another thirty minutes before he had to really leave, so we let him monkey around with some of his presents.

After school, the usual suspects stopped by. Grams and Opa came for coffee and cake. We had originally planned on going to the Schnitzel House for dinner, but inconsiderate David contracted an inner ear infection yesterday so he was on antibiotics and quarantined to the house.

Tommy's Ute also popped in, followed by Arman, who helped our Poster Child unwrap Simone's mega hit.

You might think that one April Fool's joke is enough, but as I mentioned - I believe in being thorough. This morning's mad dash was actually just the mild tremor before the devastating earthquake. See, my plan was to get the prank out of the way early so that Peter would let his guard down. It worked.

Before I continue explaining how horrible of a father I am, let me backtrack to yesterday. David was home sick and Angie had an important meeting, so I was volunteered to tend to fever and tears. Thanks, Butter Buns!

When Angie came home, we tagged and I raced off to the local tobacco shop. I then explained to the lady that I wasn't there to buy smokes.

'Hi, I'm trying to prank my overly trusting son. I need a blank lottery ticket.'

'You need a what?'

'A blank lottery ticket. See, I have a video from last year showing the winning lottery ticket and I want to get him to fill in the winning numbers so I can play an April Fool's joke on him tomorrow.'

'You're evil.'

'I know. How much?'

Tobacco lady just laughed and handed me a blank lottery ticket. Ka-ching!

When I got back home, I gave Peter the lottery ticket and explained that he could win 17 million Euros. I then embellished on the legal gambling age for Germany.

'Yeah, but you have to be at least ten years old to play.' 

'But, Papa! I'm going to be ten tomorrow!'

I ignored Single Digit's news flash and focused on putting the worm on the hook.

'That's great, Peter, now listen - we have to pick 8 numbers randomly. How about we just take a deck of cards and flip each card to get the numbers?'

'Cool idea!'

I then reached for my 'special' deck of cards, which I had already pre-loaded. Peter unwittingly wrote down the 8 winning numbers and went to bed with wishful delusions of grandeur. I'm an excellent father. 

So now back to today. Seven o'clock in the PM, to be precise, which is when I told Peter that the lottery drawing would take place. For hours, Peter had been checking the time, anxiously waiting for the moment to come. Peter was so busy thinking about how he would spend his winning prize that he didn't notice when I hooked up my laptop to the TV just minutes before the lottery drawing.

'Okay, Peter, it's about to start. Go get your card and make sure you mark any numbers that you get. And don't forget - the lottery is really hard to win, so you can't be upset if you don't get any of the numbers.'

As the balls rolled out of the cage, Peter took his pen and marked off each number.

'45...I HAVE 45!'

'2...I HAVE 2!'

'17...I HAVE 17!'

'48...I HAVE 48!'

'14...I HAVE 14!'

'4...I HAVE 4!'

'27...I HAVE 27!'

'8...I HAVE 8! Papa!! I have all of them!!'

The picture may be a bit blurry, but I love the whole 'hair in motion' look as he whipped his head around to claim his jackpot. Not that it matters - I honestly did not have time for a second money shot; Peter was too busy racing off to the kitchen to tackle his mother.

I know, I know, what the hell was Angie doing in the kitchen, right? Well, Sicko Dave had already nixed our plans for eating Schnitzels and I was busy being cruel to children, so Angie had somehow volunteered to burn pancakes for the boys. Um, I mean 'make'.

So anyway, in comes Peter with a luck-eating grin.

When he was done hyperventilating, Peter spastically explained to Mama how he had just won the lottery.

'Wow! That's awesome! What did you win?'

'17 thousand Euros!!'

At that point, Peter turned to me to confirm the amount.

'April Fools!'

David was in the kitchen and watched Peter's face as the reality sunk in.

David put a hand on Peter's shoulder and tried to help things.

'Actually, it was 17 million.'

For some reason, Peter didn't thank David. Instead, he ran into the living room and tried to convince Tommy that his father is a jerk. Tommy didn't have a clue as to why Peter was upset, but he apparently resorts to binge eating whenever people around him are sad.

Even I felt a little bad, so Angie and I surprised him with his last birthday gift, which were tickets to see Adel Tawil, his first real concert. This helped a little, but he was still giving me daggers and refusing to talk to me. Angie picked up on this and whispered into Peter's ear the concept of revenge. Peter then gulped down his dinner and ran off into the other room giggling, confirming that a decade worth of living is definitely worthy of a fair share of laughter and tears. And not necessarily in that order. 
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: That I got so many gifts and that everyone was happy. 
David: That it was Peter's birthday. 
Tom: That it was from Peter the birthday. 

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: That you did the mean joke about Lotto. 
David: That Tommy throwed me on the floor and then I falled on my ear.
Tom: I don't got a worst part. 

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: I wanna play with friends. 
David: I can't do anything because I have a middle ear infection. 
Tom: Play on the computer. 

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