Thursday, April 1, 2010

Only PAPA can prevent birthday fires!

I came home from work to find Artin hugging the birthday boy. Peter will be going to 1st grade in the fall and has been absolutely ecstatic because a) Artin will be going with him and b) David won't. They looked genuinely happy, but that has never stopped me before.

'Peter, I need to talk to you. Can you come in the other room, please?'

A very curious Angie followed a very nervous-looking Peter into the bedroom. I closed the door and broke the sad news to Peter.

'At work today, I got a call from the school. Look, I'm really sorry, but they said they're full. They won't be able to take you this year. '

Peter's lip puckered and his eyes started watering. Then Angie's eyes pierced me with the 'you're an asshole' look and I knew that I only had a few more seconds of fun.

'It's okay, Buddy - you can hang out in kindergarten with Davey and maybe next year you'll get to see your friends again.'

At that point, I could physically feel Angie's look, so I gave up.

'April Fool's! Ha-ha!'

Peter smirked. Then he punched me. Then he started laughing like a maniac. Angie pretty much did the same thing, only she didn't smirk, nor did she laugh. Hey, it's not my fault he was born on the 1st of April.

Peter's BIG birthday party is not for another week, but he still got a few presents. LEGO must now be targeting rocket scientists, so I tasked Sami with the whole 'building' part.

Sami was okay with the job until Temper Tom kept bringing his wrecking ball onto the construction site. In Tommy's defense, that's what wrecking balls are supposed to do. In Sami's defense, it was an African Safari hut, not a freakin' demolition zone. Whatever, just calm down and explain to Tom that he shouldn't do that and I am sure he will listen to you.

Okay, just focus on Lauri being cute for Kika; pay no attention to little construction man in the background annoying the shit out of Sami by just doing his job.

Luckily, the birthday boy's hungry belly prevented an ugly scene that would have most likely ended up with a Safari hut wrapped around Tom's neck. Peter, are you sure you're hungry?

Uh, I guess so. When we left the apartment for the restaurant, Peter demanded to take his scooter because 'I no wait you, I go eat'.

The funny thing is, when we left the apartment, I asked David if he wanted to take his bike. 'No!' was the only response from lazy boy. He was probably thinking of more words but just didn't want to waste any energy by actually saying them. Yeah, funny.

Not so hilarious was five minutes later when his lazy ass broke down in a snot-flinging, ground-pounding, freak-a-thon because it finally dawned on him that Peter had his scooter and he didn't. To this, I would normally tell him to pop his snot bubble and keep marching. I like being normal whenever I can, so I told him exactly this. Angie has proven time and time again, though, that she normally is abnormal.

'Ah, Davey - you want your bike, too? That's no problem, sweetie. Stop crying - Papa will go get it for you.'

Since the last sentence accompanied by Angie's 'look' was so obviously a command, I don't really think I need to explain to you what happened next. Let me just say that David can gloat like a mother.

As you know, the Johnson's are always on time for everything we do, so it was killing me that I had to spend five minutes doubling back to get David's bike. Thanks to him, we were an hour late getting to the restaurant. You can do the math, but the logic is where you're gonna lose.

David insisted on sitting between Grams and Opa. It was cute, in a jealous-younger-brother kind of way. Note the open flame on the table. No special reason yet; just notice it.

Prince Peter started demanding his presents and for some strange reason, the common folk indulged him.

Now let's come back to that lit candle. At one point, I decided to capture how cute the boys were in a nice snapshot with Grams. Peter leaned over and hugged Grams. David somehow got confused and tilted his head into the open flame as he posed for what would've been an awesome picture had I not freaked out that DAVID'S HAIR IS ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!

Luckily, I am married to Angie, who tends to accidentally burn everything she touches. She's like King Midas, only instead of gold it's smoke and destruction. This might seem like a curse and I probably would not argue with you, but it does at least train your reflexes to react quickly when the flames start spreading. My quick reaction was to start beating David's head with my open hand until his head smoked.

Once again, David managed to steal Peter's birthday thunder as everyone checked out Davey's new hairdo.

It was amazing - there was an entire clump of burnt hair that had somehow melted together. Not so amazing for the other patrons was the smell that suddenly filled the room. It was at this point that Grams started pounding diet Cokes. Another shot over here, please!

In a futile attempt to calm nerves, I kicked the boys outside. This may have relaxed Grams, but 'outside' was actually a busy bus stop, with really BIG buses pulling in and out that apparently did not scare Tommy in the slightest.

I was a little bit more than slightly worried, though. I mean, come on - Tom does not need to witness David re-enacting a Michael Jackson Pepsi commercial, only to run outside seconds later, giggling like a school girl; David does not need to giggle like a school girl when Tommy decides to play chicken with a Greyhound and Peter does not need to cry like a school girl when I tell him that I accidentally ate his dessert. April fools!
Ladder Talk:
[David was picked up after dinner for an over-nighter with Grams & Opa]
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I played with my friends on my birthday.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When I couldn't build something anymore.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: Get me the mother from baby Draggy.


  1. When I was at Davids age my hair caught fire, too. Davey you are a lucky boy...obviously your daddy loves you more than my mummy does. My mummy DID NOT extinguish the fire with her open hand but with a piece of wood. Ouch!

  2. Ouch! Are you sure she was trying to put it out? Maybe mummy was just trying to keep the campfire going? :-)