Sunday, November 21, 2010

Exhibit B

'You are hereby charged with the supervision of two mischevious minors. How do you plead?'

'I plead insanity, your honor.'

The day in question started out like any other - dark and loud. The boys screamed us awake at a time that is or should be illegal in most countries. By 'us' I of course mean 'me' and it didn't help that 'me' was screaming back at the miscreants.

'Rock-thingy-up-go? What the hell are you talking about?'

In my defense, I had completely forgotten that I had been volunteered to take the boys wall climbing. They have driven me up the walls for years, so I seriously doubted that they needed a guide, but Angie's logic had an alibi. When I asked what it was, I was told to go climb up a wall. Fine. Bye.

You'll notice that one of the alleged victims was clearly not under duress; he was freakin' whistling the entire time, for Peter's sake!

Meanwhile, David was supposed to be towing the line, which he did for all of two minutes. After that, he got bored and decided to play tug-of-war with Peter, who was dangling from a man-made cliff close to the ceiling.

After several warnings to stop trying to kill his brother, David lost his turn and earned the not-so-coveted spot by the backpacks, also known as 'time-out' central.

When we returned home, Peter made the mistake of mentioning to Mama that his front tooth was 'a little wiggly'. Angie immediately grabbed him by the jaw and started swinging him around the room. I intervened and politely thanked Angie for what is certain to be one of Peter's early childhood 'memories' but suggested that maybe we should wait a week or so before we start punching his teeth out. Peter nodded rather energetically and then gave me the bird.

'Your honor, I'd like to get a restraining order.'

Angie somehow convinced the judge that he was just showing us his 'wiggly' tooth. Whatever. I'd still like the restraining order.

After getting the kids to bed, Angie decided that it was exactly the right time to start bitching that I have not yet taken the old TV down to the cellar. It's been exactly a week since I bought the new TV; I haven't even figured out how to program the damn thing yet, but this did not faze Charlie Brown's teacher.

'I've nagged you at least nag times to bring the nagging nag down to the nag! Do I have to nag everynag around nag?'

'Your honor, the defendant is clearly insane; she claims mental anguish because I have neglected to remove a television set that has been sitting in the hallway for seven days. Seven days, your honor. In my defense, I would like to submit into evidence Exhibit A'

'Exhibit A is a birthday pendant that the plaintiff has left hanging on the wall since David's birthday in May of this year. To put it into perspective, your honor, this banner has been there for 179 days longer than it needed to be. I'd like to now submit into evidence Exhibit B.'

'Exhibit B is actually our hamper. In June of this year, the plaintiff discovered a few innocent buggies that were chowing down on the wicker fibers and irrationally decided that the best course of action would simply be to move said hamper to our balcony. The hamper is still full; she neglected to remove any clothes and opted instead for a plan that involved buying a new wardrobe. For herself. I am still missing a pair of jeans and my favorite shirt, but that is beside the point. Exhibit B should have been removed in June. It is now covered in snow. I rest my case, your honor.'
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: That we saw my tooth and rock climbing.
David: That I climb up on the wall, okay?
Tom: I was outside with Mommy, too.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: That I couldn't be last by Ladder Talk.
David: That I can't not play more with Tommy ginger.
Tom: I was fall down there.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: Play with Papa and maybe David a game.
David: Play with Peter Hotwheels.
Tom: I want in to bed with Mommy and Papa he sleep in my bed.


  1. Isn't the new TV the one that you "gave" Angie for her birthday?

    Despite that, A+ for legal writing my friend. If Law & Order weren't getting cancelled I would suggest you sign on as a writer! ;-)

  2. Actually, I haven't picked up Angie's birthday gift up yet. Thanks for the cross-examination, though.

    If I had been a writer for Law & Order, it probably would have never made it past the pilot, but thanks anyway! :-)