Thursday, July 9, 2009

Mick and Lisa's Excellent Adventure

Road Trip Day 5: The Wedding Crashers
This was the big moment everyone was waiting for. But why was everyone so happy? For Peter and David, it was mainly because they were one step closer to the BIG PARTY with the Irish 'wedding kids'. For me, I was just glad that we had finally reached the halfway point of our road trip without losing any of our kids. Angie was happy because she's a chick and weddings tend to turn their brains into giggly mush. For Tom, it was... actually Tom wasn't happy; he was outside screeching for most of the ceremony. For Mick and Lisa, it was this thing I read about years ago called love. Whatever, newlyweds.

The wedding did not start until 2:00, so we were quite confident that even we could actually make it on time. We had a nice breakfast and then released the animals to play with the locals for a while in the garden. They kept trying to speak German to them, though, because 'they no speak English, Papa'. I guess they had a little trouble with the Irish accent. So did I.

After getting completely filthy, we hosed the boys down and then put on their 'do not touch anything' clothes that stayed not-filthy for about thirty seconds. Knowing that resistance is futile when it comes to kids and anything white, we simply packed the slightly over-smudged kids into the car and got ready to go.

I punched the address into the navigation system and followed Victoria's sexy voice as she guided us through a scenic tour of beautiful meadows and antique cottages. At one point, though, Victoria started to go nuts.

'At the next roundabout, turn right.'

'Uh, we're on the highway, Victoria. There are no roundabouts on the...'

'At the next roundabout, turn right.'

'Look, lady - it's a freakin' highway! Closed barriers on both sides and no place to...'

'Turn right now.'

'All right, Vicky, put the crack pipe down and listen. You're really starting to...'

'Turn around when possible.'

'How about I turn you around and make your teeth rattle, you little piece of...'

'You are driving off road.'

We found out later that the 'highway' had only been built a few months ago, but that didn't stop me from beating the crap out of Victoria. She deserved it. Even Angie didn't intervene, although I have to admit that Angie's been a tad jealous of Vicky from the beginning. Rrrrr... cat fight.

After driving on the 'highway' for twenty minutes, we finally found an exit. I got off and had to rely on my inner compass to guide us back to this missing roundabout. My inner compass sucked, but my watch did not - it told me it was two o'clock in the PM and it was. Shit!

About five minutes later, Angie pointed out the window and screamed 'balloons!' in my ear. I was already more than mildly irritated, so I responded by asking if Angie remembered the bitch-slapping that Victoria had just received.

'No, you jackass...balloons. Look! The sign below them says:
This way to Lisa and Michael's wedding'.

In the end, the Johnson's held true to form and showed up 20 minutes late. A photographer was milling about outside like a vulture, capturing all of the late comers, complete with the digital time stamp as proof.

When we walked up, Angie turned beet red and began apologizing profusely to the camera guy for being late. 'You're never late' was his only response, as he cracked a smile. Then he laughed his ass off and continued taking pictures until we ran into the church crying. Thanks, insensitve camera guy.

Lisa was a smart bride and extremely thorough in her planning. She must have known that we would be attending and/or anticipated a few late arrivals and never had any intention of showing up at 2:00. At 2:30, mere minutes after we made it through the door, Lisa came walking down the isle with the proud 'father of the bride'.

The ceremony was the best I have ever attended. Other than ours, of course, and I am so totally not writing that only to avoid Angie denting my forehead with her high heels.

The priest was freakin' hilarious! I've been to plenty of church ceremonies where people laughed a lot, but it was never at anything the priest said. This guy had the crowd rolling for over two hours. He seemed to know every person in the church and somehow managed to poke fun and make jokes about everyone. Not us, though - Angie and I were too busy taking turns outside watching the boys who got bored when the priest started 'no speaking English'. It's Irish, you misfits, and if you're going to criticize others, you had better done learnt your grammar.

As Peter did his best Grace Kelly impersonation, David was busy angering the cows.

Yes, that's right. Mad cows. Next to the church was a grassy field, prompting David to torment the poor bovines by screaming his 'cow song' at them as they tried to graze in peace. The 'cow song' was made up by the voices in David's head and the text is fairly easy to remember. It basically consists of the word 'moo' sung over and over again to the beat of Beethoven's 9th - Ode to Joy. Thanks, Maestro.

In Ireland, I guess it is tradition to separate the attractive types from the other half before any official wedding photo can be snapped.

After two and a half hours of photos, Mick and Lisa tried to sneak past us on their way to the BIG PARTY with the Irish 'wedding kids'.
Ha, ha - nice try, silly Irishweds. We know exactly where you're going and if Victoria can actually manage to find the damn place, we'll be waiting by the bar to corner you again.

Damn, that didn't take long. Now what are we going to do? Oh, that's right - stuff our fat faces on an absolutely delicious six-course meal. Nine, if you count my beers. Angie sure was.

Mick is such a cool friend. He picked up on negative Angie's sober glare and immediately jumped up on stage with Terry to try and avert the inevitable post-wedding traumatic syndrome.

Mick's plan worked! Angie's focus turned to what was probably Streetwise's last gig, considering that the lead singer has now voluntarily chosen to wear a leash.

At midnight, our babysitter turned into a pumpkin so my princess had to dance off and tend to the three dwarves. Left to my own devices, I somehow managed, though.

By the end of the night, everyone was happy. But why was everyone so happy? For the woman sitting at the table next to us who sat down at our table demanding to know which one of us had stolen her shoes only to later realize she was sitting at the wrong table and then even later found her shoes exactly where she had left them under her own table, it was probably finding her shoes. For me, it was being able to have a face-to-face Guinness with the condemned. For Lisa and Mick, it was still this nagging concept of love. Whatever, newlyweds.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When we go to the wedding and we go in our hotel and there's a party.
David: When we go to the wedding from Mick and Lisa, 'cause she funny are.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When my belly hurt, 'cause I didn't go on the toilet.
David: When I cried, 'cause I wanted the Capri Sonne from there drink.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To play in the water at the swimming pool by us.
David: Swimming go in the swimming pool.


  1. Like Angie, I just love weddings. Great pics and great storytelling as usual.

    I feel the same way about my GPS (Lady Jane). Many times she's forced to "recalculate", 'coz I never follow her stupid directions.

    Emerald country, must be beautiful I'd love to see it one day. Enjoy.

  2. @Ceci: If you and/or Lady Jane ever make it Emerald country or anyone else in Europe, do let us know. We can let Jane and Victoria duke it out as we cruise around.