Thursday, July 3, 2008

Destructo Dave

David has long ago earned the title Destructo Dave. It's an amazing transformation that always starts with a slight squinting of the eyes.

Then, his eyes shift focus to top left, as if searching that portion of his tiny brain for the answer to the question 'should I?'. It is only a brief flicker that can easily be missed if you are not trained to spot this early warning sign.

Next, a grin starts to slowly form on the left side of his mouth and you know immediately the answer has come - 'yes, Davey should'. After that, lightning fast destruction and demolition are sure to follow.

Today, Destructo Dave decided to unleash its fury on Angie's elbow and our front door. Let me paint the scene.

Angie is on her cell phone (surprise, surprise) when the doorbell rings. It is our neighbor from upstairs, who has come to drop off plants for us to plant-sit while they are on vacation.

Angie opens the door and is too busy talking to our neighbor to realize that David's eyes have suddenly squinted.

Angie takes a plant in each hand, completely oblivious to the emerging smile on David's left cheek.

As Angie turns to walk back into the apartment, Destructo Dave charges the door with a silent war face on and arms outstretched. Their eyes lock as they meet in the middle, but DD is just slightly faster and able to reach the door first. It starts to slam shut and out of reflex, Angie raises her elbow to stop the swinging door.

In the Angie's elbow vs. the window, I think it is obvious from the picture to see who won.

Peter comes running, barefoot, to see what has happened, only to find Angie cursing and holding one bloody elbow. He tries to run up to comfort Mama, but she shouts 'No, STOP! You stay right there'.

Peter, who does not realize the floor is now littered with shards of broken glass, is thoroughly confused and begins to cry.

David is still laughing gleefully, pointing at Mama's elbow and repeating his mantra over and over 'David like red, David bike red'.

The neighbor, who does not really know us that well, is doing what I like to call the awkward backpedal.

'Ok, well. I see you're a little busy now, so I will just come back later.'

I am sure at that point, she was mentally calculating how much it would cost to just let her plants die and buy new ones after her vacation.

Angie spent the rest of the day calling around to find someone who could fix the broken window. In the meantime, at least five of her girlfriends came over for coffee or cake or whatever the hell it is she does while I am at work. All of them took one look at the door and assumed that Angie had locked herself out and had broken the window to get in. Apparently, they know her pretty well.

In the end, Angie found someone to fix the window. After first asking if Angie had locked herself out, the repairman explained that the temporary putty surrounding the glass pane would take about four weeks to dry, and that we should not move the pane in any way. Either he does not have kids, or he is a moron. Possibly both. I can explain with a few simple facts.

The replaced window pane is within the reach of our children.

They love playing with putty.

The entire window is now framed in gray putty-like material.

Our kids tend to gravitate towards things when they are told to leave them alone.

Shall we take bets now?

Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I have the new marbles. Maybe, Papa, one time you could tell me you go to work, but you don't go to work. Then go and come home with new marbles. That I like.
David: When Mama sleep.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: When Mama go into the glass, but I don't go in it - that's the bad part.
David: When Papa and David and Peter and Mama. Me in Peter. I like up here.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To eat Lion cereal.
David: Down, down. I want down.

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