Sunday, August 26, 2012

Life's a pool

'Hey, nice nose ring!'

If you're wondering why Tommy's nose is covered in White-out, you obviously didn't read about Tommy's carpet crunch. First of all, shame on you. Since you're obviously lazy, though, I can sum it up for you. Tommy flung himself wildly from a hotel bed and cushioned his fall with his nose.

I was actually curious to see what sunburn does to rug burn, but Angie is such a boys-Mama that she slathered on five layers of Ultra Block SPF 5000 to seal and protect Tommy's sniffer. As White-beak made his way to the shallow end, I turned to Angie.

'Is that stuff water-proof?'

'Beats me - it's all in Greek.'

Rather than make any comments that might get me thrown in the deep end, I ventured off to find David.

I have no idea why Captain America was prancing around the pool. I also have no idea why David decided to start pummeling Super-freak in the belly, but I was wearing a blue plastic bracelet that, according to me, entitled me to laugh and take pictures. All inclusive, baby.

I left Destructo Dave to battle his nemesis and wandered off to get drinks with Tommy.

'I'll have a couple cokes.'

The shady guy behind the bar glanced slowly left, then right, and then he leaned over towards me.


I deal with Angie on a daily basis, so I am oh-so-accustomed to being misunderstood.

'I said that I would like a couple of cokes. You know, Coca-colas...'

'Oh, okay. Hahaha. See, I hear 'cokes' and on the island that means cocaine.'

I didn't bother asking the guy with the Balkan accent why he thought I would be trying to score an eight ball in the middle of the day with my three-year old son who was by my side screaming for a straw. Come to think of it, why exactly do you need that straw, Tommy?

I left the poolside drugstore with two sugar-waters and a newfound conviction that the kids are not allowed to order drinks by themselves anymore.

Meanwhile, back at the pool, Peter was curling up in a ball. For a change, it did not involve crying.

I was still shocked and awed that Peter had finally crawled out of his seashell. He had gone from 'drunken Sea-Monkey drowning' to 'I am Peter, hear me swim' in less than 48 hours. Bravo, now quit splashing me, punk.

I went to check on how the swimming lessons were working out for Davey and Tommy and was confronted by two super soakers in the shallow end that didn't realize yet that they were playing with their shallow lives.

'Guys, I have the camera, so don't even think about it.'

There was a brief moment of intelligent hesitation before I heard a familiar scream from the bleachers.

'Yeah! Go for it! Get him!'

So, yeah. The boys learned a few new words as I dried off the camera. Angie is supposedly in the education industry, but she flat-out refused to learn any of the lessons I shouted at her and continued to send mixed signals to her derelicts by cracking up and yelling things like 'right on' and 'shoot him again!'.

I tend to shy away from crazy women and their young, so I decided instead to head out for lunch. Lunch has proven to be a rather entertaining event. Not really for us, but for anyone within a 150-foot radius who still has the unfortunate ability to hear.

See, Tommy's voice has not yet dropped, and that is putting it quietly. Over the course of Angie's teaching career, she has advertently subjected me to ankle-biters of all ages and I have never, never, never, never-ever-ever heard another child with such a high pitched owl-screech as Tommy when he is excited. The fact that he was mega excited on a bi-minute basis meant that everyone in the dining room knew when we entered the room.

At first, I just assumed that the stares were for me. As a famous blogger with perfect teeth and thighs that make chickens jealous, I get my fair share of looks. Okay, they're normally from Angie and they're probably closer to glares, but the point is that I do get checked out.

After Tommy's audible tour down decibel lane, there were very few people who would stand next to him.

Oh, that's right. [Note to self: check Peter's hearing when we get back home]

After lunch, I felt like a nap. When Angie visually shot down this idea, I went for plan B.

Plan B tasted so yummy that it quickly turned into plan F. At that point, Angie grumbled something about going to Mini Disco. Hulu hulu.

This is Ali Baba. Also known as 'the energetic hotel entertainer that turns lazy kids into sweaty balls of energy'. If you don't believe me, check out Tommy's sweaty nose. I mean head.

David was so far into his element that I thought about patenting noise. Between him and Tom, I'd be re-yach.

The grand finale came at the very end when Ali Baba shoved a microphone in Tommy's face and started getting Tommy to repeat him.

'Hulu, hulu!'
'Hulu, hulu!'


'Hakuna Matata'
'Hakuna Matata'

[even faster]

'Black and Decker!'
'Back in pepper!'

[super fast]

[crickets chirping]

For a split second, Tommy just stood at the front of the stage and scowled at Ali Baba. The brief silence was broken by a roar of laughter from the crowd, including me. I'm definitely an excellent father.

Tommy mistakenly thought the whole crowd was laughing at him and ran off to his brothers crying. Aside from the whole public display of snot blubbering like a three-year old, I thought it was cool that he ran to his brothers instead of his Mama for comfort.

When Mini Disco ended, I almost cried, too. I'll let you decide if they were tears of joy or sadness. Either way, I was bed-bound with David and Tom. Peter...I'm sorry, BIG-BOY PETE was able to stay behind for Trivia Quiz night for the adults. My only condition was that he take the camera and, without breaking it, that he get a photo of Mama getting her quiz on. He managed to take 65 pictures of the quiz, but this is the only non-blurry mother-approved shot that I could use.

After Mini-Quiz for adults, we racked out. We have an island to conquer tomorrow and by dolly, we're hell-bent on putting the Tza back into Tzatziki.  
Ladder Talk:
[Tommy refused to do the Best and Tomorrow and insisted on only doing his worst moment]
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: That I jumped in the pool and that we drank cola almost the whole day.
David: That we build the cave.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: That I banged my head on the stone where it is going deep and I say 'ow'.
David: That I couldn't so long be by the pool and I could not play shaka-boom in my head.
Tom: That all of these kids laughed at me.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: I want to play pool and play in the pool.
David: Go to Kinder Disco.