Sunday, December 28, 2014

Walking in a Winter Weirdoland

This morning started out like any given Sunday - Angie tried making me a coffee and failed. I shouldn't add, but of course I will, that we drink instant coffee, which really boils down to two steps; boiling the water and then pouring it. 

In her defense, she did start to boil water before she completely lost her focus. I tried my damnedest to help her find her focus, but she was too busy explaining to me how I would be spending my day.

If you've ever had the mild displeasure of dealing with me pre-coffee, you'd probably think twice about picking that top o' the morn to run your itinerary by me. Angie has met 'Morning-Me' at least once daily since we've met and still hasn't figured out the proper sequence of caffeine first, day plan second.

'So, instead of going over to Ute and Alex's nice, warm apartment for coffee and cookies, I thought we could pick them up and, you know, go out hiking in the snow.'

I'm a firm believer of gut instincts and first impressions. The first thought that comes to your mind is normally one that will piss off other people, but only because they can't handle the truth. That's where I come in.

'Hmmm... that smells like a bad idea, Butter Buns. The kids are just going to nail one of us in the neck with a snowball and you know how sensitive my ears are.'

'That's nice, but I've already texted Ute and she's breaking the happy news to Alex as we speak. Let's go.'

Rather than continue the recap of my one-sided chitchat with Master, I'd like to simply show Exhibit A and let a jury of my peers make their own conclusions as to whose gut was right.  

First impressions turned out to be a theme on today's hike. Tommy spent a whopping four minutes in the frozen forest before announcing his.

'It's cold!'

I was about to congratulate Chill-boy on his observation when Ute intervened with an approach that I had seriously not even considered.

My first impression was more like a first-world complaint.

'Shit! I forgot my hat.'

Luckily, I've been through cold-weather survival school, so I know how to endure the elements.

I have my Mom to thank for the nice Cashmere scarf. And I have Angie's cackling to thank as a reminder to never dress up as a Babushka in front of my wife's camera again.

As Hyena-gal was winding down, I thought I heard Ute mention the word 'moon'.  

I, of course, immediately scanned the woods for my three boys, certain that I would find one of them engaged in an act that would soon be making the pages of 'Papa's Book of Unfunny Things'. Then I followed Ute's starry gaze.

'Oh, that moon. Well, that's a relief!'

Peter's first impression instructed his face to plant itself in frozen water. The strange thing is that his brain accepted this challenge.

After confirming that he can't fly, Peter posed for a chilly reenactment of the three monkeys.

'See no evil' would be Peter, because he was looking, surprise, surprise, directly at the camera. 'Speak no evil' would be David, because his lips were thankfully frozen shut. My tiniest baboon decided to take an alternative approach, which I like to call 'Snow is Evil'. 

On the last stretch, Tommy un-thawed long enough to try and whack Mama in the face with a snowball. Unfortunately, small children tend to fall down easily when confronted with indifferent moms.

Angie took the nice attempt in stride and even managed to look sympathetic. Kinda.

Peter is a VERY just kid. When he sees his kid brother at the playground getting beat up, he normally does not laugh and point fingers. When he sees his Mama smugly stroll past a fallen brother, though, he takes retaliation to a hilarious level.

Shortly after Peter's icy revenge, we tackled an innocent couple and forced them to make us look beautiful. Hey, one of out seven ain't bad.

I won't single out the beauty; you'll just have to use your top-right imagination. I also won't point out that Ute, who had just eye-witnessed Peter's brutal attack on his own mother's neck, was slightly distancing herself from the pack. No, no. I'm fine. I'll just kneel over here in the sprint position.

After our frosty hike, the boys volunteered Alex and Ute to serve them hot chocolate and cookies. On the drive down the mountain, an Audi driver passed our car and the two cars in front of us. The road is slightly bigger than a bicycle path, it's covered in snow, and in places can be rather steep.

After the next curve, traffic had pretty much stopped. I put on the brakes and made what I thought was a witty comment.

'I bet there's a wrecked Audi around the bend.'

Tommy didn't get it. 

'Where's the Audi?'

'No, Tommy. There is no Audi.'

'Huh? We saw it. It passed us.'

'Yeah, I mean that the Audi did not crash.'

'But you said it did.'

Spoiler alert - there was no crash; the traffic was simply backed up because half of Heidelberg had also had the brilliant idea of walking around in an outdoor freezer. The extra traffic did mean that I had an unexpected twenty minutes to try and explain concepts like wit and humor to Angie's children.

As Alex and Ute transformed milk into warm energy, David decided to play a game of solitaire marbles and Tommy decided to watch. And give unsolicited commentary.

The problem with solitaire is that, in case the name didn't give it way, it's meant to be played alone. In addition to wit and humor, Tommy also does not understand 'alone', let alone 'leave me alone'.   

The real eruption didn't begin until Peter also tried to intervene with his thoughts on how the game should be played. At that point, the War Games were thankfully interrupted by the Hunger Games. Looks like Tommy'll win.

Holy hell! Check out the Jaws of Life on that boy! Rudolf might have been popular for his bright nose because Santa needed to see through fog, but I guarantee you that Santa would call on Tommy if he ever needs someone to chomp through a blocked chimney.

Everyone (uncool people excluded) has heard the song 'Born to Be Wild'. It starts with 'Get your motor running...' which is exactly what happens to Tommy when you fill his tank with hot chocolate and cookies.

Tommy spent the next five minutes zipping around Alex and Ute's collections of breakable stuff before getting in Peter's face and playing a game called 'I'm not touching you!'.

Okay, I do admit it - I showed them this game, but it's way more fun when I do it.  The way it works is you get right up in someone's face and start moving your hands all around them, kinda like you're going to tickle them, but you don't make contact. Then you just keep repeating 'I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you' over and over again until a) the other person laughs or b) the other person punches you in the face. Either way, the other person gets a good laugh.

After cookies and games, we exchanged Christmas gifts. Tommy got a cool Darth Vader sweatshirt, that he absolutely had to put on. That's when Alex made an embarrassing discovery.

That's right. Go ahead, Alex, try all you want. Truth is that Angie forgot to change Tommy's shirt for the last few months and now the damn thing won't fit over his head. I keep telling Angie that we need to just butter up that boy's noggin and yank it off like a loose tooth that's ripe for picking. She doesn't listen, though. She just stares at me like she has no idea what I'm talking about.

Like me, Alex has many hidden talents, but one that we only stumbled upon today is that he is quite proficient at uncorking children's heads from their hoodies.

David also got a Star Wars shirt, but his head apparently hasn't spurted recently. Peter got a book of illusions, which captured his brothers' attention. Trust me, this is not an easy feat.

After a while, Tommy got worried that the rest of us were getting bored and decided to wow his Ute by doing the splits.

See, Tommy has been doing gymnastics for the last three months. Apparently, one of the first things they teach you is how to make other males wince.

Shortly after Tommy's splits, we also split. We had to make it back to the zoo for a virtual meeting with Pop-Pop, Oma, Vena, Christine, George, Patrick and Stephanie. They couldn't all fit on the screen, though, so I suggested that Patrick and Stephanie jump on the stage with Santa Clause.

This evening ended like any given Sunday - Angie tried bringing me a beer and failed. I shouldn't add, but of course I will, that it was me that forgot to stock the fridge, so I had an unexpected hour as the freezer transformed warm beer into Papa's milk.

Since Tommy was asleep, I couldn't use my unexpected time to continue our lessons on wit and humor. Instead, my thoughts drifted, as they sometimes do.

My thoughts can be a bit strange, just ask Angie. Sometimes, they even like to hum along. Today's melody would most certainly be 'Walking in a Winter Weirdoland'
Ladder Talk: 
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: That we went up to the Königstuhl.
David: That we could call Vena, Christine, Pop-Pop, Oma, Patrick and Stephanie on ooVoo and that we could walk Alex and Ute to the Königstuhl. 
Tom: That we was on the Königstuhl with Ute and Alex. 

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: That my ear hurts.
David: That Simba scratched me.
Tom: That I didn't was so good by the phone call with Patrick and Stephanie.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To wake up and everywhere is snow. 
David: I want to play with Luca and my brothers 'cause I have a new Yu-Gi-Oh deck.
Tom: To play with Simby, the Bimby-Gimby.

No comments:

Post a Comment