Wednesday, December 24, 2008

I wanna web you a Merry Christmas

I am fairly certain that Santa loves nothing more than cramming his fat ass down a chimney only to be webbed by some Spiderpunk who is just asking to be blogged. Unfortuntely, the neurons in this masked hooligan's tiny little brain were firing way too fast to really notice; he was busy doing 'whatever a spider can'.

Christmas eve started out with the traditional trip to Heidi, Klaus and Sonja's. Not so traditional was the Christmas tree going up in flames and Sonja getting arrested, but we will come to that in good time.

Klaus and I are bonded by food. He loves cooking it and I love eating it. It's a win-win, completely legitimate relationship. Angie and I have enjoyed the same arrangement for years. If you're not sure who is cooking and who is eating, let me know and I will count the ways that Angie has tried to burn the kitchen.

After two delicious legs of ham had been devoured, we moved to the Christmas tree to unwrap some of the non-Santa gifts. The word 'gift' in German means 'poison', so it took a lot of explaining and a little translating to assure Peter that we were not trying to kill him. Yet.

Peter got one of his favorite books, but David got THE ULTIMATE poison. He got a tiny little night light that turns on and off when you bash it's poor little head in with your clenched fist.

The only way this poison could have been more perfect for Destructo Dave would have been if it had been red instead of blue. That's ok, though. He has red markers and is a rather creative artist when he wants to be.

It was at this point that the non-teens enjoyed a brief moment of beer and champagne. Brief being the key word. Angie and I were sitting on the sofa absolutely loving the Grams-Tom, Opa-Peter and Heidi-David bonding when Angie noticed an unusual flame on the Christmas tree.

For most normal humans, a flame on a Christmas tree would already be immediate grounds for alarm. Germans are a different breed, though. It is tradition to hang flaming devices, also known as candles, on the tree at Christmas time. The candles they sell nowadays burn out before they reach the stem and are therefore deemed safe, provided you ignore the little fact that the open FLAME is still hung on an evergreen bonfire waiting to happen.

Heidi obviously has candles that they sold thenadays, because they do not automatically go out when they get close to the bottom. These lovely firecrackers burned to the bottom and then they caught the freakin' tree on fire. Sorry, let me rephrase that - THEY CAUGHT THE FREAKIN' TREE ON FIRE!

So anyway, Angie was babbling something about how big my muscles were or how cute my brain is or some other true thing when she stopped in mid-sentence. She started screaming something about a tree burning behind me. I tried to get her to forget about it and continue on about me, but she was waving her arms and making such a scene that I finally had to go and save the day.

I ran up to the quickly growing flame and blew on it. That just made it angry, so I spit on it. When that did not work, I spit on my hands and 'clapped' the flame. That did it. Give me a pair of suspenders and a cute Dalmation!

Peter and David missed my heroic moment because they were too busy playing with their new LEGO firetruck. Somehow this seemed fitting. Next, they moved on and began breaking their Playmobil police motorcycle. As if the siren was not freakin' annoying enough, they had to go around arresting people.

Sheriff Pete and Deputy Dave zeroed in on Sonja and I can't really say I blamed them. She seems sweet and innocent, but she's got those 'criminal eyes' that just scream 'lock me up and throw away the key'.

When the boys were done arresting relatives, we made it back to the B ranch, where the boys spent minutes upstairs looking for Santa. After what seemed like...well, oddly enough...minutes, they heard Santa 'Ho-Ho-ing' downstairs and came running to see what the jolly fat one had delivered.

In addition to talking volcanoes and pirate boats not currently docked in Somalia, Peter was still able to get his spider on, so that's cool. There's not too many times as an adult that you can be a policeman, a fireman, a pirate and a spiderpunk in one evening. Unfortunately.
Ladder Talk:
1) What was the best part of your day?
Peter: When I can have the camera opened.
David: When I have a red one walkie-talkie.
Mama: It was when you guys came in to see all the presents.

2) What was the worst part of your day?
Peter: I fell on my nose and my forehead hurt from my skateboard.
David: When Peter have the black one.
Mama: When my headache wouldn't go away all day.

3) What would you like to do tomorrow?
Peter: To play with the walkie-talkie - the Spiderman ones.
David: When Mama green because I the lion and roar.
Mama: I would like to try out all the new toys with Peter and David.

1 comment:

  1. Ah, I'm going back into your archives. I was so bedazzled by the Spiderman costume that I missed your going to Germany. By the way, bitching costume. :)